No False Praise

False praise kills.  I am told often that I am talented blah, blah blah.  I can’t believe this.  To do so would be arrogant.  My inner circle does tell the truth.  Significant other does not touch me because I am too fat for his liking.  I was a size 00 when we met.  I now wear a 2.  He says he can only love me if I am thin and blonde.  He says I am stupid.  I’m in a doctoral program because at one time I wanted to prove to him that I was not as stupid as he says I am.    There are continual reminders that I should be grateful that he is with “some like me”.  Damaged goods.  At 14 there was an attack by several high school boys from outstanding families.  Pressing charges would have ruined their lives.  Snide comments in the hall that I liked it rough, double time, and triple time.  The guys from the good families were not to be touched.  Accusations of bullying might result in them not being able to play sports.  Ruin their futures.  My own family told me that I was damaged and my opportunities for relationships with those from good families were gone.  And so began the long string of abuse relationships.  I don’t deserve to be loved or accept praise for going through the motions of a life.  And so I mask the pain and overachieve in an attempt to be a little more than the most disgusting person that ever lived.