That hopeless feeling

Hello, ladies and gents!

First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Joni. I am 17.

and well, like everyone else here, I’ve battled back and forth with negative thinking.

I was never officially diagnosed, but I have struggled with an eating disorder since middle school. Now, I am much better. I love to eat. I was never actually bad in the first place, but a couple of times I could have passed out. Now I have blood sugar problems, but nothing unfixable!

What I deal with the most is the ocd/anxiety/depression. Though I am healing, I still have many many days where I just feel completely hopeless and alone. I can’t help but feel like the world is against me at all times. I used to be bullied for my skin problems and I guess just for being different. I’m not like… weird or anything. Well, I mean I am lol.. but I’m not completely insane or stupid like people treated me. I have ADD. I guess that’s what makes me weird. Maybe I said some things as a child that never made sense… or maybe they just thought I looked like someone who could easily be taken advantage of. And of course, they were right.

I have always allowed people to control me and use me. I guess I’ve always searched for acceptance and that’s why. But you know what? I’ve begin to put my foot down. I’m not completely stern yet, but I will be… it’s that hope that keeps me going. I look at others who have inspired me and think, “Wow. If they can do it, then surely I can too.” I know that seems cliche at the most, but it’s sooooo true once you’ve received the epiphany I have. I applaud myself because, even though there are still thoughts about suicide that pop up my mind and some days I don’t want to get out of bed, I have definitely moved past suicidal/self harm tendencies. Now all that’s left to do is to change my thinking.

Have you ever just felt like ALL the bad things happen to you? And everyone around you is just so lucky? Besides you?

Yeah… I still think things like that. It just seems as if one problem comes right after the other. But, if you have any spiritual beliefs like I do, you’d probably suggest it’s the devil trying to hold me back. The thing is, I will NOT be held back and I WON’T give up.

So, enough rambling. My whole point is, I’ve been there. Done that. And, if anyone needs someone, I’m here.

Thanks for taking your time to read. Check out my friend and I’d blog on Tumblr. We both have struggled with our own insecurities, and we both are unique in how we resolve our faith and courage. http://strengthforthesuicidal.tumblr.com/