“The One”

Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a part of me that wishes my family gone for the simple fact that I would certainly be dead by now. Then I feel guilty for not just thinking that thought, but even typing it here.
I am tired of being the one. I am my mom’s caretaker and I am the one who has to go to all of her appointments with her, get her meds, make new appointments, cook, clean, and basically everything else. Then there’s my sister. She is handicapped and I fear that sooner or later I’m going to have to take care of her too. I don’t want these jobs anymore. It’s been almost 2 years. I don’t want anything, to be honest, but to disappear. To end all of this emotionally,mentally, physically, draining things. But I’m too chicken shit. I’m a coward. I would rather die at the hands of the cancer that I fought so hard to beat, or a car crash, because then in death I would not be hated any more than I am now. What they hell is wrong with me?I’m worrying about what people will think of me when I’m gone?
I gave in to my cutting urges. It was so unsatisfying. Why? I was disappointed in the lack of release it use to give me. Sad. So what’s the next step? What could replace that release? I have no idea. I just had an incredibly strong urge to punch something. It came from my gut,in to my mind, wanting to destroy something. And really, it doesn’t matter if it’s an object or myself. Anything to let this rage out. Fuck. It’s hard trying to reign these feelings in.