The Perfect Suicide Note

It’s an oxymoron; I know. Because by definition a suicide note is representative of something horrible, and the word perfect means lacking in flaws or defects: so you really cannot have a perfect suicide, can you? I don’t know if it’s possible or not. But I want to come as close as I can. My name is Rachel. I am seventeen years old. Some might say I have my whole life ahead of me, but one day really soon, I am going to commit suicide. What follows is a draft of my suicide note. Read it. Comment. Help me make it perfect.

If you are reading this, then something has happened. Something that I undoubtedly cannot take back. And for that reason, I am sorry. I am sorry that this happened. I have been dancing around with these thoughts for a year, really seriously for a couple of months. When I first started thinking about suicide, I would think of painless methods: ways that I could off myself and feel as little pain as possible. Pills and alcohol, CO2 poisoning, exit bag… ways that I could kill myself without having to really think about what I was doing. But as time wore on, I stopped thinking about painless ways and just started thinking about ways. It no longer mattered to me if I put a bag over my head or a bullet through my brain. I did not really care whether or not I drank myself to death or slit my throat until all the blood had run out of my body. And that is when I realized how serious I was because it did not matter to me how I did it anymore just that I did it. And why? Why did this happen? What single act occurred that made me say this is it? I was not raped. I was not molested. I was not a victim of any of the “bad” things that are usually associated with depression. But what I went through, for me, was no more bearable. I woke up every single day for an entire year looking for a reason not to kill myself. I looked for flashes of love in people, glimmers of hope in things, and signs, how many signs did I look for to tell me that everyday was worth it. How many times did I tell myself just wait until tomorrow, you will see, tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow is never better. And next week is never better. And next month is never better! And it got to the point where I could not just live for the ones I love, you know? And I loved you. Oh, how I loved you all. And I loved myself. But… I knew that if things kept up the way they were, that I would stop loving myself. And… what is the point of living if you do not love yourself? What is the point of living if every day is just a disappointment? And every day was such a disappointment. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. It seemed there was a never ending circle of disappointment awaiting me. Sure. I was in college. But I hated it because you made me go there. And I could barely afford it because I had to pay for it. And I could not afford to go anywhere   else. And even though I had good test scores, great GPAs, impressive extracurriculars, outstanding essays… I could not get any scholarships I applied for. Not a single one. And then… I fell apart because that college you would not let me go to at first… I did not get accepted. How could I not have gotten accepted again? I was the same person, same essays, same test scores, same grades… what was better about me a year ago? And no. I did not kill myself because I did not get into college. I killed myself because not getting it meant this. It meant more of the same. And I could not deal with the thought of every day being just like yesterday and tomorrow being just like today. And do not blame yourself. Please. Just take this for what it is. And let it go. And I know that when you wake up tomorrow, you will feel this pain and this hurt, and I know that you will miss me like crazy and everything thing that reminds you of me will be like a stab in your chest. And this might happen tomorrow and every day next week and every day next month. But then… one day, you will wake up. And you will realize you have a smile on your face. And that the prospect of living without me is not as overwhelmingly impossible as it was before. And you will realize that this is your life and you will live it to the fullest in memory of me. And when you do this, you will be at peace. And when you get to that moment, I wish you a long, happy, prosperous, fulfilled, and satisfying life. With love, I left. -Rachel.