The Truth About Me

I’m that guy that has been shit on more than anybody knows. Early days as a kid I was harassed daily and tormented by fellow classmates because of my mothers crack addiction. The only reason they knew was because their parents did drugs along with my mother. Was born with a bad foot which pretty much opted me out of any sports or doing well as I could. Shyness throughout the years was difficult to deal with as I learned to talk to females and learn what they wanted and what they saw. My father has been in prison all my life and haven’t read any of the letters or pictures he has sent me throughout the time lapse he has supposedly cared about me and his what 6 other kids? I met a girl a after high school through a friend, which meant through a phone.. Long distance felt so weird as I hadn’t tried it before and didn’t know how to handle it really. Treated her better than I should have because it blew up in my face. She was fake of course, but I was in love. I stayed around forever it seemed like. Told her I wouldn’t leave and we would be together meet once and for all. Down is all I know after that, never knew a girl could be so heartless to a guy like me. Humble and a good person with a big heart. I struggle every single day to keep myself busy enough to keep everything off my mind, weed helps and I have been a smoker since age 12. All my life all I ever wanted to do is fit in with a group, show them I can be down and cool. In and out of jail for various crimes because I had nothing to lose I felt. Tried killing myself with a revolver blaring music and sweating… Turning the chamber closing my eyes praying it would just go off. One bullet. Two Bullets. Got up to 3 and was scared. I don’t believe in god at all I lost my best friend in this world. The only person who showed me how to be a man, shave, all that good stuff. My grandfather. He passed from terminal cancer and I didn’t show any emotion until after the funeral. Drank a bottle of 151 and played with a pistol and my life. Juggling it like I didn’t care. Which at the time I didn’t mind going to heaven or hell or a 6 foot deep grave to rest. Never have I asked or begged for attention from anyone and tried talking to a counselor once but never went back because I felt as if he took me as a joke for his job reasons. I’m lost and don’t know which way to go. Im up and down everyday and have battled depression without pills, only weed and im this way.