I know its there, ive felt it before. I must find it. I didnt know i could feel so good and alive. It comes so naturally to most other people. But for me o have tp get it from alcohol or abuse of my perscription drugs. The feeling of clearance, contentment, knowing what i want. Actually joy, insane cobfidence in myself. I know what ive been missing all my life. Its so frusterating to thonk that ove been deprived of it all my life while others ignorantly take it for granted.
Why cant i have these goos feelings of confidence and joy regularly?
I am desperate for them. My mind wont seem to allow positive thoughts to last.
I am incredably curious to know what regular people are thinking and feeling through the average day. Im coming to notice that they seem to have a much easier time in managing their thoughts, knowing what they want and experiebcing good feelings.
I just hurt so bad all the time , i am alone at home on the weekdays doing shit all. I have no desire tp look for jobs .. I am sick of it . My last pt job was shortlived and excruciatingly pain full.just a terrible experience. Do i wanna set myself up for the possibility of reliving the same experience? No. I know i know thats no way to think well you know what i cant help it. I am anger , hurt, anxious, paranoid. I think i have the right to feel the way i want to feel after the way i was treated at work. I know i should let this go but for some reason i enjoy being angry its a new emotion ive been experiencing it makes me feel powerful.
Everuday of my life is the same. WELL GO CHANGE IT ya thats easy to say isnt it.
The main thing getting in the way of me doin anything productive is these DISTRACTING feelings of GUILT. Like i did something wrong and ‘they’ @re coming for me. Its so frusterating to explain . I do t even know my true feelings they are not clear.
I cant take another boring day though what do i do. Yes i am seeing a dr but its hard when you have difficulties explaini g and expressing yourself to a total stranger.
More rants coming…