I remember when i was what society called happy, like, genuinely happy. a time when I didn’t feel like the world was blurred, like I was just a ghost. I felt, normal i guess. I was nine. that was it. nine years old. and then i just…faded.
I recall how I’d walk into the doors, I’d hear everyone talking, everyone would be with their friends. And me? I’d struggle just to convince someone that they could talk to me. I wasn’t well liked for God knows why. I guess people just needed an outlet to put all their hate, sadness, anger, and shit in. They chose me, innocent little jacqueline. the girl who tried hard to be…”normal”. She could, of course, never be truly, picture perfect. She or I, was chubby, almost fat. At least through my eyes I was, I don’t recall exactly how much I weighed but i figure that in 5th grade I weighed in at 138 pounds. maybe 140. Me being only in 5th grade didn’t really care about my weight then, because i was, after just 11, and wasn’t too terribly squashed but the horrid reality of life yet. oh, my poor soul.
So the year dragged on, with the normal torture of homework, being picked on, the feeling of isolation, the regret of being born, you know, normal stuf…hah. People just wouldn’t leave me alone…they were mean for being only 11 and 12! So very mean.
And when school was finally out I was happy as can be, finally getting away from the torture, just to go to summer camp…with the SAME people who torture me during the school year. Camp dragged on as well, and then YAY more school, Oh, Gosh Oh Golly, wasn’t I so happy. no. just…no.
Sixth grade was worse than fifth, that’s when I first started realizing I was depressed. I skipped cutting and went straight to death, I tried suffocation, nope, I tried OD. NOPE! i tried drowning. DOUBLE NOPE! And then I disccovered how many stories the building had to be. nine, if your wondering. 9 stories or higher should do ya’ in. And I decided, I’d like that. but i’d never try it until later on. At the end of sixth grade i’d been broken and battered WAAAAY TOO MUCH, so, i told my mom I wanted to go to a different school, so we looked and finally decided on my best friend’s school. and from there everything changed, I knew for a fact that public school would be awesome, i was ready to get out of my stupid $850.00 a month private school. and i knew i was gonna, so I got revenge on the ***** who made my life hell. during the summer of course, the hell i wasn’t stupid, i knew not to yell and cuss at her in person, so via phone was the way to go. and boy did she go on ride to guilts ville, I played the role of a random person and called her up:
Me: um hello?
Tia: yea who is this?
Me: um, i’m sorry…
Tia: for what? who is this?
Me: i’m sorry but…you had…
Tia: i had…?
Me: Do you know Jackie?
Tia: ugh, I wish I didn’t!
Me: well…your included in her note.
Tia: Note? what note?
me: her…her suicide note…
Tia: what…
Me: she mentioned you in her-
Tia: Yeah I heard you, I just meant…wow.
Me: would…would you like to hear what she said about you?
Tia: I guess so, It’s probably good stuff and all.
Me: yeah righ-…*cough* yeah i dunno.
Tia:…ok…read it then.
Me:…”To whom it may not concern, this is the part where I mention Tia. Tia, Tia, Tia, always the sweet little angel. except to me. Your the reason this happened, your a murderer, you have blood on your hands. you killed an innocent girl, I didn’t deserve this, noone deserves this. I’d like to see you try to live the life I had to live…and then see what you do about it! anyways, Tia… I’ll be putting your number down and having someone call it when i’m gone…bye *****.”
Tia:…*hangs up*
It’s surprising i remembered all that. but It was really awesome. so I guess I would.
****PART TWO COMING SOON****