What am I waiting for.

I feel like I’m in a tug of war between life and death. I’ve given up and now I’m just watching the days go by. What am I waiting for? because I don’t want to live. I want to wake up with a smile on my face, get ready in a good mood, breathe easy and walk happily to my death.. I don’t want to feel fear or guilt or sorrow.
When I think of the countless number of people who have taken their lives since the beginning of man and the men and women who take their lives every year – it makes me feel like a loser – I lost at life and I lost at death. There can’t be an in between.