I am a student of suicide. I am fascinated by it and the prospect does not daunt me in the least. However, I cannot seem to do the deed. I cannot end this life of mine. I have tried ~12 times since I was 9 years old and aside from passing out a few times, I have never even gone into a coma.
If I believed in God, I might see his hand being part of this. However, I think I am just not motivated enough to die. Nor to live. I am in living pergatory.
I am 22 years old now. Female. Asexual, but unable to find a man or woman willing to ignore this. I have been raped, abused, bullied, rejected, and my mental illness swallows me more everyday.
I am big on activism and good deeds and saving animals. I am considered a hero among humans, as well as beautiful, funny, and intelligent. Yet, my self-esteem is non-existent. The characteristics listed above is not boasting, it’s my way of telling you the lies I’ve been fed. I have also been pampered and cheated with a wealthy family who pays my bills and takes care of me monetarily. I am healthy, while I should not be. I am a vegan who refuses to eat well.
I feel as if I am cheating at life. Wasting it’s time, along with everyone else’s.
I don’t feel bad about this world or it’s inhabitants. I have the right amount of skepticism to put down all silliness and negativity (as well as optimism)
Maybe we should talk. Maybe there’s something important I am not paying attention to.
🙂
7 comments
I’m fascinated by suicide as well. I don’t cut nor am I suicidal. I’m super depressed though. Thank you for sharing. Life is just gonna suck until we die. You’re still young. You are who u are. Being asexual is fine. Don’t be so hard on yourself ^^ From what u shared thus far I accept you.
If we talk, it won’t be about anything important. Well, it’s pretty unlikely that we’ll be unravelling the mysteries of the universe, finding whats it’s all about on a suicide site. I know some good recipes, that’s about it. I’m embarrassed at how little I know about anything.
I love animals too.
Considering the amount of decadency happening in our world right now, being asexual should be something to be proud of. I totally relate to you, although I am a man and being a man makes me less asexual.
We, don’t always realize it, but we are all heading towards non-existence some of us quicker than the others. And some of us more silent than the others. Yes, we should talk… we are talking, right? ): Wish there was some way of private communication between members, or maybe it’s better just this way…
You are all very kind, I only wish these were the sorts of issues that could just be shaken out of us all.
I agree, AbstractThought, it is probably best this way. Maybe. Although, there is nothing stopping us from exchanging emails, I believe. Is there? Sometimes one-on-one is best. I am studying to be a therapist, though, so I guess I am biased.
What more to say? There’s much to be said. All in time, I suppose.
thought_abstract@yaho.com We should try that.
Well, I emailed (owmytoehurts@aol.com) No response yet. boo! 😛