Bacon filled mouse trap

Hi all, I am 17 years of age and is so closet to finishing highschool but I just don’t want to live and I don’t know why. I have been trying hard to find a purpose, or a joy, or anything to destory that want of death , for the three years that this lack of feeling appeared but nothing is working anymore. There is nothing eles I can turly change anymore, when you are six feet two, black female and as realistic as me … You become numb to the illusion of dating of marriage-it’s impossible- but that’s not why I amm depressed its just one of the many walls to one of many future path ways….the fake is basicly it hurts to be around people, watch tv, listain to music, to watch anime…. It just all seems like a waste of time…like school work and hobbies… It seems like I am working my butt off just to wake up with the pain of knowing I shouldn’t be alive people like me shouldn’t be alive…so joyless…. I am dumb but I want to be a robotic engineer, I am a huge perverted in mind,but ugly as hell in really life, I am innocent and naive but I dream of killing, I am super ambititiouse but super realistic…. I owe my family so much but they are better off with out me….. I tryed to kill my self back in December and promised I wouldn’t try again but I am falling deeper everyday… I don’t want to figth it no more….