Bacon filled flutes

I am 17… And I completely hate my self … I hate the fact that I am black , that that I am female that I am tall…. That my mind is the most perverted thing in the world…. But I am so loney… I am not looking for sex just some one who I dont have to talk to, some one who gets me completely… Who shares the same view point of the world… I have a best friend and others friends but I can’t get my self to actually care about them … If they died today I wouldn’t even care….I had this one friend that gave me joy with out much words and I derived him away after I tryed to kill my self…..he was gay, white, short … Really the oppistite of me in looks …but I loved him… But I lost him … And it hurts so bad becuase it only makes me relize how crappy a person I I am… How selfish I am I made a promise not to kill try to kill my self again to most of my family and friends… But I never really took that promise seriously… Untill my gay friend made me promise it … Then ihold on to it more then life it self …but as he faded my figth to keep that promise ave also faded I don’t know what to do…. I just got a new job and my messed up brain have made a plan that’s pretty hard not to Excape into….I migth go Througth with it if I don’t mess up and try some other way off sudicidle …..yet I don’t want too …but I do… So badly…. For no reason… It hurts…blah