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Disorderly attached

Hi suicide project people.

I haven’t written in awhile. I have since my last post, given in to taking medication, and got a new therapist. I am spending a lot of money on therapy and psych appointments and medication. I am still depressed. Still lonely. And the only person that makes me feel better (a little) is not really interested in getting to know me. I am disorderly attached to someone at work, basically.

I have already expressed to this person that I’d like to get to know them outside of work and they sort of skirted around giving me an answer. They are nice tome  at work, but then when I leave work I dwell on whether or not I got to talk to them. I just feel so lonely, so I am looking for affection and affirmation in places I shouldn’t be… like at work. So today was another one of those, kicking myself moments. Why do I care? I guess it is because I feel that nobody cares. For whatever crazy reason I want this one person I like to care…. and well it is not exactly an ordered relationship. It is definitely more one-sided. In the way that I was totally bummed when this person just left and I didn’t get to talk to them at the end of the day.

As you can guess I’ve burnt up a lot of relationships with people….friendships, romantic relationships, because I am too hard to be friends with or be in a relationship with of any kind. I get really depressed, threaten to commit suicide for attention, etc. etc. At least I am self-aware that I am disaster. Help, anyone? Thanks.

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SadBk 4/5/2013 - 6:08 pm

I think it’s natural to develop attachments to people you work with. You spend a lot of time with those people. What you’re describing is similar to my experiences back when I had a job that was very social. I would get hyperfocused on one person and that person would control my moods by what they said and did, or what they didn’t say and do… or whether they were even working that day. It was fun at times, maddening at others, but when it’s clear that it’s one-sided, it suuuuucked.

Can you talk to your therapist about that tendency of yours to burn people out, or to put them off before they even get the chance to get burnt out (maybe you’re giving off desperation vibes?)

I hope things get better for you :\ Sorry I’m useless at the “help” part.

VacatedHappiness 4/5/2013 - 6:36 pm

Well first of all, with all of this you shouldn’t ever blame yourself for anything you do. You wouldn’t make yourself respond to the world this way, the mind doesn’t want to make itself depressed. I think you should definitely try what SadBk said, and try to engage with this person outside of work, you’ll only have regret and sadness if you don’t. Chances are they will be a mature person that doesn’t feel they need to be someone else than who they are at work and they will still enjoy you for who you are outside of work. As long as you show this person that you really value them being a friend then they have no valid excuse to leave you.

clarity1987 4/5/2013 - 9:02 pm

in my opinion I would not recommend that you try to pursue a romantic relationship with a co worker UNLESS you feel a extreme need (that’s NOT rooted in a unrealistic/unhealthy fantasy) to tell this person how you feel in hopes that they will reciprocate the feeling.
On the matter of friends: I too have been in & out of a few friendship so often that now I see that its me where the problem is…….I hope we all can better improve our social skills so we don’t need to be on sites such as this one.

All the best friend

drowninginloneliness 4/6/2013 - 7:50 pm

Thanks guys for all the feedback. The person is not a romantic interest, and BK is right on the trouble I am experiencing. BK stated exactly what I am feeling. I am letting the smallest interactions with this person control my mood. I am bummed when they are off work or when they are too busy to engage in conversation with me! I could try talking to my therapist about the “burning people out thing.” And I am worried that I am throwing “desperation vibes” so maybe it is good to keep that in mind when I interact with them. Making myself look desperate and lonely does not exactly entice a person to be friends with me…

SadBk 4/7/2013 - 12:25 pm

I know it doesn’t have to be romantic. I’ve felt that way recently with my old boss at work, I idolize her and used to call her my girlcrush, she got a kick out of that. She makes me feel special. She relies on me. She’s told me that I’m the one person out of everyone that would break her heart if I left. If I feel like I’ve let her down in any way I get reeeeeeeeeally upset. It colors my whole day. (she’s still technically my boss, it’s just that I don’t report to her directly anymore) I get jealous of other people’s interactions with her… even though, since I’ve been depressed, I avoid her. Go figure.

I don’t actually feel lonely like you do. I’m a very solitary creature. I’m never the one approaching others, even good friends, asking them to do stuff with me. Not sure how much your possible desperation vibes would affect just a friendship… I think of that more in terms of romantic interactions. Maybe there shouldn’t be a distinction. Some people are just honestly too busy or not looking for new friends. They might really like you, just not have any more they feel comfortable giving you. A good example of this at my work recently was my buddy who has a lot on her plate, dealing with family issues with her mom and nephew. This other lady dropped some obvious hints to her that she’d like to get together outside of work. My bud just didn’t feel she could take on another friend… especially a lonely one who might be clingier than she can handle. So hey, maybe the desperation DOES play into it… this lady would go around saying things that made people feel awkward, like “if I dropped dead in the street no one here would give a damn.” She has since quit. Hope she’s okay. I didn’t reach out to her myself beyond talking at work… I didn’t want to get sucked into her problems.

Age of Aquarius 4/7/2013 - 1:26 pm

@ SadBK do you think you’re physically attracted to her or is it her power and reassurance. A lot of secretaries feel that way, its a pretty common fantasy. Unfortunately, mine have always been too old and unattractive. When it comes to hiring secretaries, they don’t let me sit in on the interview. This is why they are useless in the looks department and seem to be either trying incredibly hard to screw up my work or are just not cut out for the job.

You could be my assistant if you like. I was thinking of paying a copywriter to draft my comments and posts on this site so that I seem more interesting to suicidal people. Instead, you could manage this task.

SadBk 4/7/2013 - 1:56 pm

@Age of Aquarius No, it’s not a physical attraction, at all. Completely mental. I have more respect for her than probably anyone else ever. It’s her personality, her brains, her methods, and yes, also the power and reassurance. She’s very protective of me and I like that. She seems to be able to blend personal and professional with the right degree of each.

I’m sorry your secretaries are subpar in the looks department. How awful they don’t let you pick out the young hotties, you poor thing 😛 If they’re going to mess you up, they may as well be easy on the eyes!

Hmm. If it pays well I may consider it… though I wonder if that falls under the “being creative on demand” category that I have difficulty with. Who’s to say my comments would be any more interesting than yours? I suppose you could just fire me if I fail. And further damage my fragile ego…

Age of Aquarius 4/7/2013 - 2:05 pm

I was thinking of paying you in love and kindness. The best rewards.

She sounds like a great person to work for.

SadBk 4/7/2013 - 2:30 pm

@Age of Aquarius Awww, yeah, those are precious commodities <3

She's the best.

drowninginloneliness 4/10/2013 - 7:07 am

I don’t if anyone is still reading this post. But Sad BK you are right on. I feel so paralleled to you. This person is my boss, and I know that she knows I really like her as a person, but she still keeps her work boundaries anyway. However, there are like little things that make me think otherwise. So I bought her cough drops once when she was sick and put them in her mailbox with a cute note on them that I made. I didn’t even sign it, and she knew it was me. I gave them to her maybe two months ago and I noticed yesterday the notes is still on her desk, and she never threw it away. I am just thinking if the woman didn’t like me she wouldn’t have kept the silly note on her cough drops, right?

I asked her if she wants to go to lunch outside of work maybe four months ago, and she said something to the extent of that usually doesn’t spend time with co-coworkers outside of work, but she’d think about it. Then she never got back to me, so I did the socially acceptable thing to do and dropped it.

Our relationship is definitely more focused on the reassurance thing. Although she is very (physically) beautiful I think as well. I think it has more to do with being reaffirming for each other. So whatever reasons though, SadBK and Aquarius she is not interested in getting to know me outside of work- eg. doesn’t want to cross those boundaries, too many other responsibilities right now, etc. I do get disappointed when she is off and not in or when I don’t get to talk to her. That totally jeopardizes my mood.

SadBk 4/10/2013 - 9:46 am

I try to keep an eye out for threads I’ve commented on 🙂 so yes, still reading! And I’ll leave a long reply even if no one else is still reading.

It sounds like she does really like you (how could she not? you’ve been thoughtful and sweet to her) and you’re right about the note. She could have just tossed it. Side note: I hate when people toss notes or greetings cards out right in front of you. If you’re gonna throw it away, at least pretend you’re gonna keep it for more than 2 seconds?! I am a hoarder, I save it all.

That was a little lame that she said she’d think about it and then didn’t get back to you, but… probably like when guys wuss out and don’t want to say “no” directly to your face and hope you just get the hint after a while. Much kinder to do the hard thing and say no upfront. From what you’ve said though it really does sound like she just doesn’t want to cross that boss/employee line outside of work. Probably not much you can do about that. Trying to change her opinion on it would probably just push her more in the other direction.

I don’t know what you can do about the controlling-your-moods thing. That wasn’t really something that troubled me, with her. It turned out that circumstances fixed it for me anyway.

I buy her things sometimes. I bought her a big-ass candy bar for Valentine’s 2012 and put a cute little note on it like “for my girlcrush <3" which she loved. When she's stressed out I might bring her her favorite Starbucks drink, or some chocolate. Sometimes she comes to me looking for chocolate (I have a candy dish I fill sometimes for people to munch from)… I always feel bad when I don't have any, and think maybe I should keep a secret stash just for those times. (the problem with "secret stashes" is they would call to me….) She's bought me treats and little gifts before, and "secretly" taken me out for my birthday.

We've worked together for 7 years but we got closer in summer 2011, that was a stressful time for the whole department, beginning a huge re-org, with a lot of growth. I handled the work okay (by becoming obsessed with it) but emotionally, I didn't handle it well at all. I cried in her office a few times. She always looked out for me and slowed things down if I was getting overwhelmed. I hated bothering her because she was dealing with sooooooooo much more but she never made me feel like she didn't have time for me or didn't care about my problems. She could tell when I was lying if I said nothing was wrong, if I was trying not to burden her. She knew my moods well. Then, when she had to "give me up" to my new supervisor, she was worried because she and this person had clashed before and she knew there'd be some friction… which there was… and it was awkward for all 3 of us in some ways… she was worried that the new person would take advantage of me, I don't know how many times she told me to come to her if she does [this or that] or if she's ever mean to me. I never did go to her, so she kept asking, to make sure I wasn't hiding anything. Very nice of her to be so concerned for me!

I knew when things settled down that I wouldn't see her as much, which saddened me. We moved into a new building and my office is as far away from hers as you can get — so I don't even know if she's there or not anymore. And since I'm not her direct report she doesn't let me know her schedule. For Christmas 2011 I wanted to do something special for her but didn't know what. I just spent a little more on her gift and included a sentimental card in which I babbled about how I knew things would change in 2012 but I'd always remember how she looked out for me that year and then I gushed about all her wonderful qualities. Totally made her cry. When she gave her gifts, she had to be fair and get nearly the same for everyone, but she wrote a really nice note in mine, probably as a result of my note to her 🙂

We did drift apart like I expected… but for a while she still "needed" me (or pretended to need me, really) twice a month, and I called these little meetings "breakfast dates" which she thought was cute. Didn't always involve actual breakfast but sometimes it did. But now she only calls me over once in a while.

Got depressed in July 2012. She was one of many who said she was there if I needed to talk; I can't talk to people, really. I try at times but it never goes well (my fault, in part at least). They're all pretty used to me being this way by now. My new boss is the one I actually talk to the most… but she doesn't know everything.

When I had this little embarrassing incident at work (something there triggered it) that led to me finally going to therapy… somebody went and got her, even though it was one of the busiest days and she didn't really have time. (the person who went looking for her is loud… and did she have to shout "someone go find [boss], there's something wrong with SadBk!" Someone later told me they wondered if they should call 911…SO embarrassing) Anyway, of course she came over and I apologized cuz she was busy but she said I'm much more important than work. Aww. I blubbered at her a bit and she cried a little cuz I was so upset.

Okay I babbled for a long time and most of that was about me, not you. Well I hope it was amusing anyway 🙂 And I just outed myself if anyone from my work reads this site, ha.

drowninginloneliness 4/10/2013 - 8:55 pm

SadBK,
Thanks for writing back so much! You are really interesting to talk to. I agree with you at this point that it would be fruitless to continue to look for a friendship outside of work at this time.

I do agree on the personal note thing- I can never throw anything away that somebody handwrote for me! Part of why I thought it was really cool that she kept the note was because it was just a silly little thing. I have a fear of being overwhelming to other people and I am afraid of turning them off… I tend to over-analyze relationships that I care about.

So since she is my boss… I didn’t want to cross too many lines. However I think I am learning which lines can be crossed and which cannot with her. She is fun to be around during the day and chat with, but I cannot let myself be disappointed if I don’t get to talk to her, because A) she is so busy and B) this is solely a work relationship.

It totally sounds like your really connected with your old boss. That is really cool. I am sorry you don’t get to talk to her as often. She really seems like a nice person, who has really been there for you. I wouldn’t worry about “outting yourself,” on here. I doubt that anyone from either of our work environments writes on here. (although you never know…)

I love that you were able to be so open and honest with her. Every day basically around quitting time I go up to my boss’ office to talk to her before I leave. Sometimes she is not there of course, however when she is I enjoy it. Finally after several months of me wandering up the steps to talk to her, she was like you always come up here and look like you have some specific to say… and so finally I told her that I was having some trouble and it felt really good to open up to her more. I don’t know if I could tell her everything you told your boss (eg. seeing a therapist). Crying at work would generally be a problem for me, but I work in a difficult setting. (I won’t disclose that here because that could be a problem for me).

Seriously though it is cool that your old boss cares about you so much, I know I overanalyze whether or not my boss cares about me, because I care about her so much, and I just really enjoy being with her.

For my boss’s birthday last year, I made her an elephant out of clay and she totally loved it. I do little things like that, and she seems to appreciate them. She doesn’t really reciprocate though, except for thank yous and smiles. She is one of those types that I think feels she needs to try and be as equal as possible to everyone. I understand the position she is in, so she has to make the best decision she can.

I do something similar that you do with the chocolates. I have these pretzels I brought to a meeting once, and she really liked them. So now I always bring them to meetings because I know she likes them. It is the silly stuff that make us laugh.

Hope you happen to read this SadBK. 🙂

SadBk 4/11/2013 - 1:21 am

We do seem to have a decent parallel here, huh! Hehe, she’s out of state this week, and she called me right when I got to work, like a half hour after I wrote that reply. I wonder if her ears were ringing! She comes back on Friday and I should have some quality time with her then because her trip was, in part, about some new work I’ll be doing.

Don’t encourage me to write, you’ll be sorry… lol.

I only go to therapy every other week, and I had this theory that in the week leading up to my next appointment I get more rambly because I’ve held stuff in for a while… but, really, I think I’m just babbly all the time >.>

I’m upset right now because of all the weeks to have a scheduling snafu with my therapy… ARGH. I’m supposed to go tomorrow. I’ve been practically counting down the hours, I’m so itching to go this time (my boss even told me I should try to get in earlier in the week). I apparently was supposed to go today?! It’s always Thursdays and I remember repeating the date back to her like I always do. Sigh. I hope she can squeeze me in some time soon. In my return voicemail I told her I reeeeeeeeeeeeally need to see her this week pleeeeeeease. I hope it sounded pathetic enough.

Anyway.

Yes on the note thing! And, really, it could just be that she hadn’t gotten around to clearing off her desk yet… but it seems more likely she thought it was sweet and wanted to keep it there as a nice little reminder. Aww. And I overanalyze things too. Is that a sign of intelligence? 🙂 I don’t tend to be overwhelming in person, so much as online… like, say, with huge walls of text… heh. I’m so different in person. I can reach out online so easily… in person, I keep to myself more often than not.

That sounds realistic. See it for what it is… a pleasant working relationship. Try to enjoy your days off even though it means you don’t get to see her 🙂

Yeah, I definitely developed one of those “we’ve been through war together” type of bonds with my old boss 2 years ago. She counted on me and for the most part, I didn’t let her down. One thing got fucked up majorly that I could have prevented if I’d paid closer attention, but I caught it fairly early afterwards, went into her office and said “I feel sick” (this is when I rapidly started losing weight, I was nauseous from stress!) and she knew it was something bad… that was the worst. But we fixed it and it wasn’t too terrible and it never happened again. I just HATE when I’m not perfect.

She still relies on me even though there’s a level of management in between us now. I’m the one who gets to figure out new stuff that comes to us because she trusts me more than anyone else, when really, if the department was running the way it should on paper, my new boss should be the one doing that, and then passing it on to one of us peons. I like it now. I know I’ve grown more confident because it doesn’t stress me out the same way anymore.

Aaaaaaanyway. That’s nice that you CAN go to your boss with problems. It seems like it should be a given but you know, some people just give off a “I’m too busy, go away” vibe, or a “I don’t care, go talk to a friend instead” vibe. I’ve worked for people I never would have confided in in a million years.

Sometimes she comes over to visit me, not just for chocolate. And sometimes she still has an ulterior motive… she’ll say she’s spying on someone, so she just made it look like she was coming to see me so she could walk by their desk. Ha!

Everyone should be treated fairly, and it shouldn’t look like there are any favorites, so it’s understandable that your boss can’t reciprocate. My old boss will do it sneakily sometimes, like with the birthday lunch we didn’t leave the building together but met in the parking lot 🙂 She does go out to lunch sometimes with her managers, but that’s different than going with peons. (well, I’m somewhere between a peon and a manager, in that more is expected of me, but I don’t have the responsibility a manager has…just the way I like it!) And I was invited to her Christmas shindig at her house, which was pretty much just for her direct reports so it was special that I got invited… but I didn’t go because I’m not into “fun” anymore, and she understood.

Now I want to go buy her some chocolate 🙂

SadBk 4/11/2013 - 11:03 am

P.S. (because that last one just wasn’t long enough??) I think you’re wise to be wary of confiding TOO much, to your boss or any coworker. Especially if you work in a place where, as you said, crying would be problematic. I don’t think crying at work is ever really a perfectly acceptable thing… but really in my job I could cry all day and it wouldn’t matter much, nor would a lot of people notice. Guess that makes me lucky? Aside from crying — you don’t want to seem like your mental struggles could interfere with your job performance, either. I’m very conscious of that.

I have to have fingerprint clearance for my job. I was afraid that if I had an incident with a gun that involved police… maybe I chickened out, or changed my mind, or got interrupted… whatever happened… what if it made me lose my job? Obviously not a problem if I’m dead but if I couldn’t do it for whatever reason and now had this on my record… I shudder to think. I’m very comfortable in my job, I’ve been here for so many years. I know I’m valued enough that they wouldn’t find ways to get rid of me just for being depressed. But, if they have to let me go legally, nothing can be done about that. Ugh.

drowninginloneliness 4/14/2013 - 12:02 pm

Hey Sad BK,

How’s it going? I was away from my laptop, hanging out with friends… actually had a good Saturday. A break from the drama of work. But still reading. 🙂

We do have so many parallels. It is funny that you said you get more rambly when you see your therapist towards the end of the 2nd week. I currently see my therapist every week, which is great. I was seeing a different therapist and it wasn’t helping a whole lot. Just when I decided I needed a new one, she told me she was leaving her position, and the person who replaced her wasn’t going to be able to go on the cheap for me. The other therapist was… as a favor for being in similar lines of work. So I needed a new therapist. Then my friend told me his therapist is an intern so fees are low. So for now I can afford weekly sessions.

I have also “been through a war,” with my current job even though it will only be a year in July. I came on during a “crisis period;” and worked my butt off. I was nuts to stay on. So I think I gained some respect for sticking it out. We still are in crisis, but it is evening out some. It is funny that you mention there is a level of mgmt between you and your old boss, because there is a level of admin between me and my boss. My direct supervisor is not “my boss,” persay. She is awesome though. She has come to expect my ridiculous silliness.

I also hate when I muck something up, because I hate being a disappointment to others. I want everything I do at work to be perfect, which is not a realistic goal for myself at all, BK! But I am perfectionist when it comes to my work. I guess there are worse things to be a perfectionist about.

That’s good that you still have that rapport with the old boss, even if you see her less. The fact that she comes around for your chocolates, or even to “spy on others” that means she still cares about you. Also awesome that she took you out for your b-day on the DL. My boss had pretty rigid boundaries. I am trying to keep myself in check and not overwhelm her, and screw up a good thing. She knows I care about her, which is all that matters right now. She really keeps to personal space boundaries, and a week ago I got a hug from her and it made me like whole week. She is less careful when other staff isn’t around I think. She doesn’t want it to look like “favorites,” if you know what I mean. At some point we transcended that average boss- employee relationship. I am not sure when that happened.

At the last staff meeting, I sat next her to her, and she knows I can’t sit still at all, when for whatever reason she finds amusing. SO I sat there the whole time and was bending this paper clip. She was looking over at me and cracking up. I decided to try and bend it into her name… so I hand over it so she couldn’t see it. Like ¾ of the way into the meeting, she was like okay okay sorry but you’re distracting me! I was using my keys to bend it… so it was fair enough. She was nice about it and all, and she doesn’t care I can’t sit still. So by the end of the day I had finished it, and was like ok put out your hand. She gave this quisitive look like… huh. I dropped the paper clip into her hand and she was just laughing. It was fun. She was like SO THAT was what you were doing this morning. She actually apologized for telling me that I was distracting her. I was like seriously, it is fine. Anyway I love when I get to talk to her when there aren’t a million people around. She taped it to a box her desk.

Unrelated- I do agree with you about not disclosing too much. I do also have to have clearance for my job. It is difficult and delicate stuff. I don’t think paper clips names are a problem though. Lol.

Peace,
Drowning

SadBk 4/14/2013 - 4:44 pm

Hi again… eh, I’ve been better. I have a sick feeling about something, I’m probably better off not knowing but after this comment I think I’m gonna try to find out… then might have to disappear for a while >.> We’ll see. Anyhoo ~ you hung out with friends! That’s great! Not so lonely then, eh? (depending on what level of friendship I suppose)

So your therapist is an intern, not a full-fledged licensed therapist? Do you notice any difference and do you find it helpful? Heh, my therapist could be around retirement age… hopefully she’d give me fair warning. I’ve read that ending therapy can be traumatic >.>

I’m somewhat perfectionistic about work. You’re right, expecting perfection is unrealistic. Yet we do it anyway. I like that a lot of people THINK I’m perfect (in a work sense only!).

Awww, you got a hug! That’s a biggie if she’s all about keeping personal space boundaries. The paper clip story is cute — I have to wonder, how the heck can you spell a name with a teeny tiny paper clip? Unless she has a really short name maybe. Like Jo. Or Lee. So she saved it along with your note; soon her desk will be full of your little gifties. Hehe. Next up, a rubber band ball in her honor?

SadBk 4/14/2013 - 5:40 pm

Okay, whew, I was just being paranoid. Don’t have to go kill myself now. (only half joking there)

drowninginloneliness 4/15/2013 - 6:43 pm

I hope you don’t disappear. You seem like a good person. And I like chatting with you online. I would be more than a little disappointed if you vanished.

Yeah intern is good. The therapist that left would have given me more notice but I sort of stopped showing up to therapy and kept cancelling. I think I am doing better with the new one… I am really going to need that therapy session tomorrow.

Some friends, but I have a lot more acquaintance-type people in my life, which can be only so good. I am filling in gaps of time with random things, but there are still those empty depressing moments. Like today my boss left and I didn’t even know she was leaving early. Totally bummed she didn’t talk to me before she left. She just vamooshed. I try not to think about those things, but then I do anyway

It’s like as soon as I am off work and don’t have to be somewhere specific I get depressed. I use being busy as a distraction for being lonely.

Anyway, that is one way to cope. Not a great one, but better than others I can think of, some of which I have tried.

SadBk 4/16/2013 - 9:21 am

I like chatting with you too! Nope, not disappearing.

Aww. Yeah, you can tell yourself “it doesn’t matter, it’s a small thing, doesn’t mean anything” etc. but your brain doesn’t seem to be as loud as your heart, huh.

Distraction doesn’t fix things but it does make life more bearable, doesn’t it. When I wasn’t even able to distract myself from pain at all, I was much more of a wreck. I’m quite functional now.

Good luck with your therapy today!

drowninginloneliness 4/17/2013 - 4:52 pm

Hey,

Therapy was good. I think I needed it. One hour ends so quickly. I’m like ahhh but there are more things to vent about!

Yes, I agree that distraction only helps to a certain point, hence the therapy! Glad to hear you are doing better though. I think maybe I need to focus on not allowing all these exterior things bother so much, and just to give them up. I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but I feel like if I was able to just let them go and give them to God I’d be more at peace. Basically not over focusing on things that happened in the past and or might happen in the future. I over-analyze the tiniest interactions with others, and really all that does is cause more suffering for me. When I let go of that and accept what is done is already done… that is a better coping mechanism. I also write a lot.

Music also helps, although sometimes we choice of music is not a good choice depending on whether or not it makes me more depressed!

SadBk 4/18/2013 - 1:06 am

Yay good session. I’m the same way… they should be TWO hours! I just talk and talk talk and the time flies by.

I am agnostic but this week I’ve been kind of believing… weird. I’ve been talking to someone else about God (not a typical subject for me) and now YOU bring up God too — is it God at work?! If you are able to “let go and let God” as the saying goes, that’s great. I bet it would give you more peace.

…and not to be an enabler or anything (is our little obsessiveness like an addiction of sorts? Heh) but I had some nice encounters today, which of course made me think of you. LOL. She hurt her foot recently and today couldn’t walk very well. She intercommed me and apologized for bothering me (it’s my busy time) but asked if she could print something at the printer by me and I could bring it to her… I am as far away from her as you can get so she normally wouldn’t print to that printer. She knew I’d say yes, I told her before I’ll bring her whatever she wants whenever! So I of course said I’m never too busy to do that for her. If she were a man it would have been considered flirtatious, the way I said it. (well, she IS my girlcrush!) Then she couldn’t give the thing to who she needed to, so she asked me to hold onto it but put it in an envelope like I didn’t know what was inside, so this executive person wouldn’t think she’s sharing confidential information with me. She was like “you know I trust you with my life but…” Aww, warm fuzzy.

Writing does help, that’s good that you write. I like to look back on it after a while, sometimes things do seem different… they change so subtly you just don’t always notice… but the writing is proof of where you’ve been, like a snapshot of that particular time. As for music… well, I won’t get into that, it’s sort of poisoned for me now :\ but I would definitely go for the depressing stuff, no happy crap.

drowninginloneliness 4/22/2013 - 9:59 pm

Perhaps it is God at work! Letting go is so hard though! Like today 🙁 My favorite person is out- and she is out on vaca until next Tuesday. Only one day and I am really struggling because I know I don’t get to see her for a week. Plus I found out the answer to a problem that she knows I’ve been working on and I really wanted to tell her!!! Now I can’t! 🙁 I wanted to call her cell tonight, but that would be a serious boundary line issue. 🙁 So my plan is to hope she calls to check in tomorrow, and I will let other staff (who I trust a little) know that I need to talk to her about “something” if she calls. If she doesn’t call work by tomorrow night I am going to go stir crazy! Thoughts?!?!

Anyway enough about me. I LOVE your story! Sorry to hear about her foot, but that is awesome! That is totally something I would be super happy about!!! I do similar things- She could ask me for the moon and I’d ask her if she also wants jupiter. I felt super cool when I read that you thought of me. That is really awesome we have this connection. I love that she trusts you with all that info. I feel also sometimes if I were a guy that it would look like flirting. I hope it doesn’t look like obsession. That is why I had to stop myself from calling her tonight, much to my dismay. I am just going to pray that she contacts work tomorrow or in some way I get to connect with her without having to wait for several days to a week to tell her my big news.

I don’t think all of my writing is dreadfully tragic but a lot of it because that is when I have a lot of emotion in my writing, when I am super upset about something.

SadBk 4/23/2013 - 1:16 am

I have concluded that we’re both hopelessly creepy and will end up locked away in psych wards with Lifetime movies being made of our lives. LOL

I hope she calls in! That’s such a long time to be away, it would make sense for her to check in, being a manager and all… dang, you won’t see her until next month! (don’t think of it like that, it’s… only a week from tomorrow :D)

I’m the same way, I tend to write waaaaaaay more when I’m upset, or at least in the unhappy spectrum… which is why I’ve been writing shitloads these past 9 months!

I had another nice moment with her on Friday, but had to share it with my actual boss, booo. I emailed both of them with an idea of how I could do something to make things easier for one of our operations, and she called us both over to discuss. While we were in her office she composed an email to the head honcho guy over there about it and he was very complimentary in his response, which she forwarded to us later. Then she replied to me singly and said “you rock as always” cuz she knew that one was all me <3

Why should we even have self esteem or confidence problems when we have these great people boosting us up, right? Sigh. If only life were so simple.

drowninginloneliness 4/23/2013 - 9:23 pm

That’s an awesome conclusion!!! Yeah… and that is why there is suicide project so we don’t end up in psych wards!!!

I know such a long time to not see her… especially when I have something important to tell her! She didn’t call today! But I told my supervisor and our admin assistant that I need to talk her when… if she calls later to check in– because I felt ok doing that. SO fingers crossed!

Your boss sounds so cool! That’s awesome she drops those little things- like- you rock as always! I do not like to share my boss’ time when I don’t have to. I always try to talk to her at the end of the day (when there is just the two of us in her office- when there is less staff to observe our conversation and be gossipy) I get bummed when I don’t get those five-ten minutes with her just by myself. (I may have mentioned this dilemma before). There it is so little time- because she is so busy, and there are so many demands on our time… but it still makes me feel badly when I don’t get to talk to her. Especially if I come up to her office looking for her and she is handling other issues in the building so I can’t talk to her privately.

When I do get to talk to her about something outside work it is usually meaningful. We definitely share faith in God and a sense of spirituality so sometimes she has great stories that apply to something I am going through, and I love when she shares something personal with me. It is such a good way to connect- through those stories.

Maybe people like you me- just need those supportive relationships. Who doesn’t want a supportive relationship, you know? I am working on not being so dependent. I want to be able to give without expecting something in return from someone. Eg. my boss (obviously). If I could give up that wanting something in return…. I’d have so much more peace! Besides then I wouldn’t be so disappointed when those conversations don’t happen or something doesn’t work out the way I wanted it to!

SadBk 4/24/2013 - 1:35 am

Seriously. Sites like these – and just the internet in general – is such a blessing. I’m reading some of the crap I wrote in the early 90s, and I felt like such a freak. People on here describe some of what I was feeling. If only I’d known there were other freaks like me out there!

I think my math was off a day though – if she comes back Tuesday, you WILL see her again this month! :D? I hope she calls in tomorrow to check on things, it’s been a couple days now ~ Maybe this week is a good test of your strength, though.

I wonder how many “nice” people are nice to get things in return. I feel like one of them. I want to maintain my image. I can’t tell how much is really me and how much is me faking it for the image. I don’t ever expect favors, I never NEED things from anyone in the first place… but if I’m doing something just for the warm fuzzy, isn’t that selfish in a way too? Yup.

drowninginloneliness 4/24/2013 - 5:04 pm

For realz! I only founds this site last fall… could have been useful for the last five years… we just need a place to vent where we don’t feel like people are going to judge us.

YES! She will be back this month! 😉 Can’t wait! Still no call~ maybe tomorrow is the day!!! Really miss her 🙁

That is a good question about how much is “me,” and how much is me doing things because I’m worried about appearances…?? It is frustrating to think about because then I get disappointed when I am not sure how much I do because I want to look a certain way. I want other people to like me… to think I’m personable… that I am good at what I do… that I am trustworthy. That kind of stuff, you know?

How’s your boss doing this week? 🙂

SadBk 4/25/2013 - 11:00 pm

Did she call yet??? How are you holding up????

I talked about that fake-nice vs. real-nice thing in therapy today… she insisted that in her professional opinion I am REALLY nice, not fake-nice, and everything I tried to argue she shot down… she also pointed out that everyone is selfish to a point, that being nice feels good to them and is also part of the image they want to present. So, I guess we’re not special there, lol.

– I haven’t seen much of her this week… I have this report I do once a month that I bring to her (I COULD email it but I always print it for her and bring it over, hee), and I always hope that she’s not on the phone when I go in there. I can’t see if she’s even there from where I’m coming from, and her office is very private, kinda set back behind this wall… anyway. She wasn’t on the phone, and we chatted for a couple minutes, it seemed like she wanted to vent to me a little about something but when I encouraged her she backed down. Oh well! Probably won’t see her now ’til this big Monday morning meeting she’s leading… so I’ll be jealous of everyone else sharing time with her *snort*

drowninginloneliness 4/26/2013 - 5:02 pm

FINALLY! Yesterday she called! 🙂 No lie… I’ve been answering the phones all week hoping she would call and that if I answered it enough I’d be more likely to get to talk to her. I did tell two others I needed to talk to her… so when she called I didn’t answer but someone told me to pick up on the phone. Anyway I finally got to tell her my news, and she was pretty happy for me. But she didn’t seem to remember all the information about it. It makes me a little frustrated because I have told her about this situation several times… makes me wonder how much she listens. ????

Regardless I was really happy she called. Now… I have the weekend, then one more day and she is back on Tuesday! This week was so SLOOOOOOOOOOW without her!

Kind of depressed today, and pretty tired. I never get good sleep/sleep enough to feel rested. How are you?

I am so amused at how similar our disorderly patterns of behavior are! I would do the SAME THING… like you bringing her papers that you could e-mail her! SO for example I sometimes have to get her to sign papers, and even though I know she could sign them when she (sometimes) comes down for lunch or when she is passing through my floor… I make sure to save them and make a special trip up to see her!

I also do the SAME thing about hoping she is not on the phone! I get so bummed when I come up with a reason to go to her office and then she is on the phone. Or worse yet: Friday 4-5pmish when I want to talk to her before I leave and she isn’t even in her office so I don’t get to talk to her one on one at all. Then I have to pretend to be like everyone else. It’s like but I am not! And even though she does really try to appear to be equal to everyone I feel like she shares a little more with me and spends a little extra time talking to me because I have made extra effort on my end, and she sees that. I don’t think it is all in my head. At least I hope it is not. I think part of why I am feeling so down is because I haven’t seen her all week and she brings me up emotionally.

I think I like your therapist. Perhaps we are too hard on ourselves and are actually sometimes nice people just because we are… we just also happen to be people with emotional issues, who happen to really like our bosses!

SadBk 4/26/2013 - 9:43 pm

Yay she called! What a thrill that must have been! But then when she forgot the thing you were so happy about… what a disappointment. After all that build-up! Heh, I didn’t care about this and it’s kinda unrelated, but mine had me painstakingly keep this log that was time-consuming… and then a year later didn’t seem to recall ever asking me to do it, and told me it was a waste of time. LOL.

Sorry you’re depressed and tired :\ It’s funny, when I wasn’t so “mental” all the time, I slept really well, and if for some reason I did get less sleep some night, I REALLY felt it the next day. Now I usually sleep pretty decently, but I wake up early every day, like an hour or two or three before my alarm (it hasn’t gone off in ages, not sure why I even still set it), even if I go to bed late… and I don’t really suffer any worse for it the next day. Either I’m just used to it now, or I’m in this mellow state where it just doesn’t affect me? Or maybe it’s the Wellbutrin giving me energy to make up for it…

I love my therapist. I wish she was my mom. Seriously. Someday I’m going to tell her that and make it all awkward in there >.> lol aren’t we dysfunctional?! I’m still on a high from my session yesterday… she said I meet enough of the criteria for Borderline Personality disorder, and I was like YESSSSS A LABEL FOR WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME, like it’s NOT just me being weird and it’s not ALL my fault… and things don’t make sense because of it… it was a good session.

Okay, and I totally cheated with HER today… I emailed her pretty early thinking she’d answer from her blackberry at her house, asking her if she’d be in the office today. She buzzed me and I was surprised she was already there… I just said I wanted to talk. She told me to come over and close the door so we wouldn’t be interrupted. She was relieved I wasn’t giving notice. HA! Why would I do such a thing! I babbled about my session yesterday and about how I’d been doing blah blah blah. She listened, and she also told me about her own personal stuff. We hadn’t had a nice talk like that in a while. We even exchanged tearful “I love you”s. How romantic, eh?

I think talking to you is making me more interested in her again. LOL. I should start the “girlcrush” thing up again.

drowninginloneliness 4/30/2013 - 10:10 pm

Hey SadBK,

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I love reading your replies.

Lame to hear about that log. What a waste of time indeed.

I would hold off on telling your therapist she is like a mother to you… unless of course there is mother’s day coming up. You could potentially (theoretically) slip in some comment about how she is like a mother to you then and that she is super awesome!!!

I TOTALLY LOVED reading your recent tid-bit about your latest interaction with your boss. We have way to much in common with our strangely disordered attachments to our bosses. Lol. The fact that she said “sure come on up,” and then took time out to talk with you is awesome! I think it’s funny I am insprring you. I hope that is a good thing! SO sweet of her~!

Totally wanted to write to you today because my boss FINALLY came back today!!!! I was out of the building when she came back which was lame, but then I got to chat with her and another co-worker at lunch and was bull-crapping about whatever, which I always love, because just being around her makes me happy. After lunch some things needed to be moved from one room to another because we’re doing renovations on our building, so I intentionally lingered to help, which totally worked out. I got to joke around with her, and another co-worker (who I like), while we moved all the stuff. We were singing “if I had a hammer,” and goofing off lots.

My boss kept dropping stuff, and because she has a bad back I don’t let her pick anything up when I am around. It got really funny because she was dropping things over and over again. SO my co-worker and I were teasing her about needing to follow her around and be her personal assistant to pick up everything she drops. I can’t even tell you how much I got a kick out of it. What she doesn’t know is that I totally wouldn’t mind following her around to pick up her stuff for her…!! My co-worker said we should just get her a tiara and follow her around to pick up her things and call her majesty. We were cracking up. It was a great hour… plus I got thank-yous for helping with moving the stuff. Who could ask for more? Plus it was one hour I wasn’t sitting behind my desk.

I am so PSYCHED she is back! (ON the other hand my therapist had to cancel today, which was lame…. have to reschedule…)

How is your week going?

SadBk 5/1/2013 - 11:14 pm

And your replies rock as well 🙂

Heh, I could say I wish my mom was more like her? That’s not as creepy. And really, what do I even know about her — I only know her persona. Sad to say that’s probably true for most of the relationships in my life though! Blech.

I remembered that yours was coming back and I was happy for you — sounds like you had some great moments with her, hopefully worth your long wait! Hehe, I wouldn’t mind following mine around picking up stuff either. She was in a good mood today but I barely got to spend any time with her. Monday morning was cool because she heaped more praise on me than anyone else on our call. Yesterday I saw her but only because she wanted to tell me something upsetting (work-related). She didn’t want me to hear it from anyone else. I had actually heard hints of it from my other boss mere minutes before so I was already a little prepared. I thought it was nice of her to consider my feelings. …but, she called one other person in to talk to her as well, at the same time, so it wasn’t really that special!

And how is ~her majesty~ doing now, having you pick up more stuff for her? (hopefully, for your sake!) LOL

drowninginloneliness 5/3/2013 - 5:18 pm

Hey,

I guess you’re right, like I only know the personality of my boss and some things about her but I don’t know as deeply as I’d like to know her. I think my boss knows that by now, even though I can’t really say it straight up. Between the silly gifts and conversations at the end of every day… today she brought up the “goodbye thing,” she was like you really like goodbyes. I said that I always want to say goodbye, because you never know. (Never know what might change or happen… and that I always want people to know I care). She just sort of smiled and nodded.

It is nice though that she wanted to tell in person (even though that despite her intentions you already knew about it!). Honestly I would have been bummed too if I thought it was a one on one convo and then someone else was there! Drag! Seriously!

Haven’t picked up any stuff for her recently, but I just totally love her. It makes my day so much better when I get to talk to her, or even just a “hey how are you?”

Peace. Hope all is good.

SadBk 5/5/2013 - 10:48 am

That IS a nice thing of yours, to want to say goodbye “just in case.” A coworker of mine ends every phone convo with her grown daughter with a “I love you.” Even if she just talked to her 2 minutes ago. I was like “I think she knows you love her” — and like you, she said you never know. Awww. I come from a family that doesn’t even know how to say the words EVER, let alone routinely like that.

Hehe, yeah I was jealous of the other person, who gets to report to her directly :\ She’s honing in on my territory! The situation is one that will require some more meetings with her next week (yay, even though it’s an icky thing)… and I of course being the little kiss-ass that I am, am falling all over myself volunteering to help with anything she needs me to do.

drowninginloneliness 5/13/2013 - 10:07 pm

Hey SadBK,
Sorry I have been away. I was just feeling badly for not typing back. I am a little bit if a mess, but I usually am. Today I felt sort of shunted-away at work, by my one hot-cols co-worker and a little bit by my boss. They kept stepping away to deal with someone and were like please give us a minute. AKA go away please. SO when I tried to say goodbye today I was met with the same response, except I felt a little better when right before I was about go up to the steps my boss popped her head out of the room and wave and smile and say bye. I felt a little reassured that maybe I am not a worthless person.

That is my thought for the day on saying goodbye!! It is very important to me! And when my boss pointed it out that it is important to me, it really hit home that it IS important to me!

It is really cool that your co-worker has such an open, honest, and positive relationship with her daughter. My family also has a hard time with those three words “I love you.” They also have a hard time discussing anything is substance and lack good communication skills. I am a little biased in the negative direction.

I laughed when you said you were “falling over yourself to volunteer,” because that totally sounds like me too. Every time I see her I’m like HI! How are you??? Can I do anything for you? She is usually like nope, but thank you. Once she let me bring her a snack from the kitchen… it was ice cream and chocolate chop cookies, so it was totally worth it, because it made her laugh and smile. AND it was TOTALLY out of the way!

Hope you’re doing ok.

SadBk 5/17/2013 - 1:09 am

No worries, I haven’t been especially comment-y lately myself. I hope this one finds you in a better place emotionally.

Had a couple nice moments with her today. She called me in as a “just in case” for a conference call today and I was actually helpful. And there’s another phone call to sit in on with her in her office, just us… my (actual) boss will attend from her own office, alone. Ha!

SadBk 9/30/2013 - 9:36 pm

Hey, I don’t know if you’ll log in here and see this again, but I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Hope you’re doing okay.

Work is going to suck for the foreseeable future, biiiiiig changes, but girlcrush-boss is still amazing and I’m lucky I still work with her.

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