I came here today to search some posts in hopes of obtaining an easy, painless, peaceful way to leave this life. I read many similar posts and I too can’t seem to keep my depression in check. Sadly it DOES effect every other part of your life. I manage to ruin or push away any good thing in my life. Each time I try harder to gain control of my emotions and depression it only seems to end even worse. I have lost count of the jobs I have walked away from in a huff, friends I have lost due to being overly sensitive and family I have constantly accused of not caring. I choose to be alone yet suffer because I am lonely. I am more than capable of earning a decent living yet am constantly on the edge of financial ruin. A lifelong battle, I have to assume responsibility for the negative outcome of nearly every incident. And I have fought through it all, on a daily basis, all just to make the same damn mistakes over and over again. Depression and Pride is a lethal combination. The two rarely mix well and almost always make every day much harder than it needs to be. People are so quick to suggest one get help but in the real world there are few resouces available for those without insurance or the means to pay for it. And let’s face it, the world is a very cold, selfish place to live in these days. And I’m tired, all the time. Every day is a struggle now, no breaks in between. It’s  easy to look forward when it’s so painful to look back. Only now I see nothing forward either. Just darkness. And I’m ok with that, really. It’s a peaceful darkness. For the past few months, the only relief from the constant anxiety, lonliness, despair, depression, and weariness is in thinking it will be over soon. I refuse to look back and now fear looking forward. I just want it to stop here. I just want to be done with the pain. So my actual question is…why too must that be so incredibly difficult? Is there truly no means available by which I can follow through with the personal decision to lie down tonight and not have to get up ever again? Must that too now add to my depression? Is there honestly no method that will enable me to leave painlessly and entact? Seriously, in this day and age, is even exiting this life going to be way too hard?
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6 comments
Yeah ending your life isn’t as easy as I’d hoped it would be. But if you do a good amount of research you can find ways to do it successfully. It takes a lot of guts to actually go through with it though.
I don’t know…. You shouldn’t come on this site to fine a way to died … Most people I knotic are just failures at sudicid ….lol ( crus a little inside)…. But you should give up… Pills, thrapy,sudicidle , and friends are not always the awnser
Yes, the “lots of guts” is definately a good instinct to kick in for those who are not ready yet. But I wonder, is that because it’s so hard? If we had the option of a little pill and the guarantee of a life ending nights sleep would we need “lots of guts”? With what I have researched so far, I would suspect it’s more the fear of failure, pain, or just plain messing that up too that leaves most of us gutless. It used to be that only the strong survive but seems now it takes more strength to die. I guess on the whole thats a good thing.
You spoke volumes in just a short paragraph. The situation you describe is not unique but I am certain the circumstances that got you, me, all of us to this point are very different. I have been struggling with depression for over 25 years. At times I am reasonably normal but at others I am a mess. The unfortunate thing is that it isn’t getting better but rather much worse. There is no easy way out. There is no easy way to survive.
After attempting suicide once and coming so close, it’s been harder to convince myself of it again.. Surviving, and seeing the effect it had on absolutely everything around me made it so much harder. It made me feel even shittier because the truth is people do care about us.. I still want to die. I so badly want to end it, but I’m afraid if I fail again of how the world around me will react again. And even if I did leave, I’d still be leaving with that same fear.. There is no peaceful way out..
Yes peaceful and forever…I am beginning to see that more clearly now. I mistakenly assumed making the final decision was the hard part. Despite being totally at peace and .. well ..almost happy with my decision, as usual there is always something in the way to burst my bubble. In some respects, I believe in the long run, I am releasing those who care of my burdens as well. I don’t feel useless, uncared for, incapable etc. I just do not appreciate life anymore and no longer feel the need to pretend. Can’t a person just be “done” and happy about it? I made it this far so I know I can survive but thats not the point. It’s all cyclical and I just can’t do another loop. My solution in the past has been to withdraw and isolate myself to find peace. I see the only difference between being here and not being here effects really no one but myself. For those who care for me, I would hope they can smile upon my departure and truly know that I am, for the first time in my life, really at peace and happy. (of course I have no clue where I will actually end up but I like to think there is something better out there waiting). I think there is more pain for those who care in thinking they can somehow help me when I know they can’t alter the path of my life.