For so long.

For so long…. My life has been one giant fuck up. I wont lie, Ive done a lot of bad things in my life. But thats not why I want my life to end…. A few years ago I lost my closest friend in the world. No, He didnt die… I suppose its best to start this story from the beginning. Please forgive me for my poor grammar and punctuation.

From the third week I was born, I had my friend Quinn. He was like a brother to me, He never dodged my questions when I was down and needing advice. He talked me out of suicide even… It was nice to be able to come home after a long week of school away from my alcoholic dad and careless mother to someone who actually wanted to hang out with me, Someone who could tolorate me and give me just enough sanity to make it through to the next week…. He was always there for me and I was for him. We both got picked on in school for various reasons. I was weird, (I used to be fat), And all I did was play videogames…. Quinn did all that too but for some reason as we got older, He started making more and more friends who were on sports teams and in extracarricular activities.

His ideals never changed, Neither did his morals (yet)… He was there for me right up until the day I moved to Texas. Then and only then had I seen my brother shed a tear. Our whole lives the only friend and brother I ever had that had an ethical outlook on the world, Had never shed a tear in front of me. I knew what was going to happen…. Without me Quinn was going to crumble… And he did. Alcohol, Pills, Other various drugs had started to become a part of his life. As Quinn delt with more and more BS from his family and the other kids at school. He finally tore his life apart after 2 years of me being away. And so did I.

(Dont get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional drink and Joint, But he was into some seriously heavy stuff)

When I had finally came back after 2 long years, I saw my friend. He had changed, Became a more bitter person… Well lets jump foward ahead 2 years. My ex and I had gone thru a fucked up relationship and we broke up, She went to Quinn….. This was it…. This is what really ended it. He got her pregnant….. I fell apart and ive been living the last 3 years of my life working dead end jobs, smoking weed, and wollowing in my own silence and self pitty… Waiting in hopes that someday my friend will come back, Someday ill find that friendship again with someone else. But every minute ticks by and the world just becomes a darker place….

I hate this planet, I hate it and all the people in it. Especially the ones who have bullied other kids in school and not knowing the kind of damage they do to people…. It sickens me…. This whole THING we call modern society, Makes me sick to my stomach. Every girl Ive ever been with or met has been a total slut, Every person ive met and grew up with doesnt have a personality. The world is filled with pant sagging “Swag having” trend following, Mindless, arrogant DICKS! And im tired of it. Do you know how far mankind could have progressed in just the last 10 years alone if we had avoided going to war and focusing on stupid “political” arguments. I use the word “political” loosely because theres nothing political about what they talk about.

I mean, Half the things the world governments debate about anymore as serious issues are “abortion” and “whats morally right”….. FUCK whats morally right! The entire PLANET is crumbling because of the stupid people in politics. And its not just America, Its not just republicans or democrats. NO! ITS EVERY FUCKING COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! How about the world governments come together, Pull troops out of un necessary territories, Get rid of currency, let women have their rights, focus on advancing worldwide knowledge of science, and FOR FUCKS SAKE! CHURCH AND STATE ARE SEPERATE!

Thats another thing that makes me want to blow my brains out! Fucking religion! Its fantastic if you have one, Good for you. But you know what, Were living in an age where “faith” isnt “faith” at all. Its an excuse to get attention on facebook, Collect money from the anempt, And molest children (I.E. The Catholic church) Look, Im not a religious person, Ive died before… Drown to death as a matter of fact, When I was 9. I didnt see a light… I didnt feel the burn of hell. But even I can tell you, Religion is not being practiced in the proper way that it should by someone who truly has faith in his or her religion.

…… And to whom it may concern, Heres a little about me.

My real name is Connor, For as long as I can remember Ive had a fascination with the Universe. I wanted to be a theoretical physicist or an astro physicist. I Dropped out of High school my 11th grade year, But I could tell you anything you want to know about our universe… I love wiener dogs and video games and nature and camping and writing. I was always different in school because I was the kid who did science experiments at home and took notes. I dont believe in giving up on a dream…. But whats the point in living your dreams if the world around you is a nightmare?

I like to cook and grill. I love to travel. Ive seen the beautiful shores and lush jungles of Hawaii, Ive lived in Indiana 4 times, Texas 2 times, and Ohio 1 time. I like classical music and classic rock. I love hunting and fishing and going on hikes… 6ft 2 inches tall, Hazel/gold eyes, 176lbs.

Well Im going to stop myself here. Readers, Thank you for your time. I hope all of you can someday understand and see the world as I see it. Not a world where possession of a material objects and social standing make you a superior person… But a world where a meeting of the minds makes you equal to your fellow man and woman.

P.S. I have attempted suicide before…. I attempted to shoot myself with a 7x62mm 1932 bolt action Russian mosin nagant… The bullet didnt go off when I pulled the trigger.