Happiness is something to strive for.

This is my story about how i had my heart broken a couple of times. it soon spawned a fear of abandonment in me and made me think i was never good enough. if you wish to hear how i survived my hardship then please read this.

I was born different from other kids. i chose not to give in to the social flow and i  lived how i felt. i had friends, a pretty good amount. i fell in love many times and had a few relationships. I grew up being who i felt was me. Sometime around the summer of 2012 about early June, i fell in love again. I hadn’t had a relationship in a while and i felt differently and more attached to this girl. I was a 14 year old boy at the time and i still had never asked my mom whether i was aloud to date or not. so i had to sneak this girl in to my house while my mom was at work. we had fun and hung out. things escalated and i lost my virginity that day. i trusted this girl and she asked me out 2 days later. i agreed with joy and felt completed. a few days passed and we continued our secret meetings for sex. i really started to trust this girl and wanted to spend my life with her. the next grade after this summer was 9th grade so i pictured us being high school sweet hearts and graduating together to marry. i was wrong. a week had passed and she ended the relationship abruptly. i didn’t know what i did wrong. she confessed about lying to me. she had a boyfriend already and used me for sex. i was broken. she then told me she still loved me and i felt i had hope. but over time i found out she had kept feeding me lies in hopes of sleeping with me again. i was fed up and decided to not talk to her ever again.

Soon school started. i had recovered fairly quickly and chose to be more independent. at the time i had a hand me down xbox 360 from a friend which needed fixing but was passable. i spent time playing games with one of my guy best friends and a girl best friend. i knew my guy best friend, lets call him Andy, had a crush on my ex. i warned him of what she was really like but he insisted it was fine. i decided to go with it and try to set them up. meanwhile i developed feelings for my girl best friend , lets call her Ashton, and decided to try for her. i talked more and more with Ashton until i asked her out. she was flattered but said “give me a while to think about it” so i did with high hopes. while i waited i got Andy and my ex to talk and i felt like a good person. this feeling made me happy beyond anything. i realized helping people made me the happiest i had ever been. i decided to be nicer to people and be a better person overall. soon things took a downfall, Ashton never gave me an answer after 2 weeks. then i saw she had started dating another guy. seeing this crushed me, i decided to ignore it and never tell her what she did to me. then Andy and my ex had a fight. he asked her out but she refused. he confessed to just how much he loved her and she shut him down completely. she told him to fuck off and he left broken. things were seeming off to me.

Months passed and i pushed forward anyways. i took a look at myself, i was above average in school, i was really sweet, average looking, and very comical. i figured i was at least a great guy. in september of 2012 a night came where i spent the night at another best friends house, Josh. i brought Andy along and we had fun. Josh then consoled me and brought up a request. he thought of me as a super guy and asked me to take his phone and talk to a girl and pose to be him. he wanted me to get this girl to like him and get them dating. i agreed as a best friend. this girl was named Krystal. the night went by and i talked to her posing to be Josh but i acted like myself. she fell in love with “Josh” and the real Josh thanked me. i felt good. then the next day i talked to Krystal using my phone. i introduced myself and we became great friends. in those 2 days i fell for her easily and she also fell for me. i revealed i was the one who got them together and she wanted to date me. however she did still love josh so we waited. behind his back we acted as a couple and though it was bad it was true love. Soon Andy requested i get him a girlfriend and i used he same method i did with josh. i got Andy a girlfriend and felt happy again.

On a day towards the end of 2012 i can’t recall the date exactly, i learned of a fear i had developed. after the heartbreak of my ex and Ashton combined i felt like a useless guy overall. i looked in to my past and learned that i had lost many friends recently. i felt fear sweeping over me. and thoughts soon started abruptly and flooded my mind, “they all hate me don’t they? they’re just my friends because they feel sorry for me. I’m useless..” it all came at once and i felt like no one really liked me and i was just alone. it caused me to cry endlessly and since i’d never been like this before i was scared. i  grabbed a knife and was ready to start cutting but i stopped. i was just to scared to. so i decided to test myself instead. i texted a bunch of people that i trusted and said i was going to kill myself. they all replied quickly and tried to get me to stop. a few even called me and tried to get through to me. it convinced me i was at least worthy to them all.

On March 27th 2013 Josh and Krystal broke up. the next day she asked me out. We started dating then and it was the greatest time of my life. Josh never knew of us and we hid our relationship from him. Happiness was in order for me. then i got greedy. i don’t know why but i decided to see how many girls i could get to like me. i guess it was my insecurity that drove me to experiment. i started talking to other girls and a week later one asked me out(lets just cal her K because this is still happening now). then i was left with two girlfriends. but then i realized i had forged very strong bonds with both. and i was stuck with both of them wanting to be with me. soon after i fell for a girl named G (like i said, still happening)  then a week and 6 days later Krystal was forced to break up with me. her parents believed since i was Josh’s best friend that it was wrong for her to date me. right there i broke again. and i knew that i was going to slip at any second. sure enough the fear crept inside me and consumed me. i left myself talking to Krystal, K, and G. i told them how i felt about dying and they all shouted at me through texting that it was the worst idea. they all convinced me that without me they would be lost and be forced to die also. that alone raised hope for me. i felt important.

The next day,Thursday April 18,  Krystal started to secretly date me, K kept her love for me, and G admitted to me she had a boyfriend already but found herself starting to have affection for me. it left the one dilemma for me. who would i choose? it is the hardest decision of my life and a day later, today, i still have that problem. but no matter what happens from here on, i vowed to value my life. i knew i was at least important to some people and though i had tough decisions, i would face them myself and strive through it all to find happiness for everyone.