I’m Meta and I’m in constant emotional and mental pain. But this pain is caused by myself, my mind is just not right. I’ve been depressed ever since I could understand what the word meant. I was born in Indonesia but moved to the states when I was four to go to school here. My whole life I had to deal with culture differences.  I’ve tried to commit suicide in 8th grade, but in reality I knew it wasn’t going to work, it was a cry for help. I’ve been on anti-depressants for many years, but they haven’t seem to be working. Earlier in the year I was going to a nice private college in New York but I had to leave school because of my depression and anxiety. I was smoking weed every day and maybe that was why my depression got out of control, I really don’t know.
Anyways, I just have no will to live. I just don’t want to feel anything anymore, why do I have to suffer through this pain? Don’t I control my life? Don’t I have the decision to end it all? I just feel uncomfortable throughout the whole day. I don’t have a job, I don’t have school anymore, I have no worries and no stress so why am I in constant mental pain? It just doesn’t make sense why someone has to go through this. The only reason why I haven’t commit suicide is because I’m too scared of the pain. I’m not afraid to die and I know that if I do die it will hurt those around me but I just can’t stand this anymore. I know my family will cry for days and be hurt with what I had done, but they will move on. The truth is I’ve always been too nice to people, I always care about everyone else except myself. Because of this I’ve made many fake friends that simply don’t care about me.. I mean I’m sure some do, but none of them have really kept in contact with me. I’ve been used and taken advantage of many of my friends. I’ve always put friends in front of family. I’ve always tried to make my friends family. The reason for this is because I feel uncomfortable with my family. I know they care about me, but they don’t understand what I’m going through and none of us really communicate well with one another. That is why I feel so alone in this world. I just want to die and I don’t understand what is so wrong about that.
I feel like I have this tape in my head that’s on repeat that contains every single horrible and uncomfortable memory. I’ve remembered all my bad memories and I feel like I’ve lost most of my happy memories. I’ve changed as a person. I used to be confident, strong, and outgoing and now I’m too anxious and I’m afraid of a lot of things and I don’t have the motivation to do anything. Literally all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv ALL day long. I’m currently waiting to get into a program at the nearest loony bin to seek treatment. I’m am just so desperate to feel better and I just can not wait. I seriously can’t wait that is why I just want to die.
I can’t cope with how I feel because nothing makes me feel better. Nothing really makes me happy and I’m scared knowing that the things I loved doing don’t make me feel good anymore. I’ve purged and I’ve cut but nothing makes a difference. I need some serious help.
-Meta
6 comments
Watching TV all day will make anyone want to jump out of the nearest window. The function of TV could’ve been to inform and enlighten people, but it’s not. What TV does is invites the viewer and then makes the viewer feel like (s)he is “missing something.” That, and play advertisements for things that people would never buy on their own.
Good luck with your recover Meta. You felt like something wasn’t right now you’re getting up to do something about it. That’s exactly what we’re supposed-to do, and you nailed it.
That makes a lot of sense actually. I’ve been spending my days watching SVU and criminal minds because it would just keep my mind off of my life and problems, but my therapists have tried to push me to go outside and go for a walk, and maybe that’s what I’ll just do. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to go outside my house and just simply go for a walk. I don’t understand why I don’t want to and why I’m so opposed to it. But maybe I just need to force myself and hopefully I’ll feel the difference.
Hi Meta,
The fact that you’ve told you’re story right here is awesome, it takes courage. You realize you want help and you are asking for it. That is seriously amazing. I did not.
First of all, you must realize, cutting and purging does not work, only temporarily. It makes you forget, but it does not repair. Please do not do it.
I think that you should try to achieve something. Maybe by helping someone else. You have lots of free time, I am sure you could volunteer somewhere, just one day a week is a great start. You help people, and it would truly make you feel better.
Something else that really helped for me, was just setting a goal for something (and not to eat a pizza in 3 minutes). Think up something you’ve always wanted, and try to achieve it. Something that makes you proud.
Another thing that really sucks, and is not easy to get rid of, is your lack of friends. I did not have that problem, as I still go to school, so I can’t really help you with that, but maybe you could join a sport club or something?
If I were you, I’d get out of my house and do something meaningfull. I am not saying this will get you anywhere on the short term, but it is a long way.
I really hope my comment helps you in any way and I suppose you could always react or something, I am sort of new to this site.
x’ Ilse
PS. Sorry if there were any grammar mistakes or something. I apologize. (:
Thanks for your response! So the times that I don’t feel suicidal and so depressed I think about going back to college or working in NYC or something but then then I get real anxious and the bad feelings come back and I shut the ideas completely off. My therapist said your depression is like a physical injury like if you broke your leg, would you go run a marathon? So I need to stop thinking about the future and just take small steps. So I’mma try and do that!
Walking is proven to be the most effective therapy. Yeah if you walk around the block once I’m sure you’ll feel better. It’s a big step and you’ll feel a celebration inside that you were able to fight for yourself.
Criminal Minds, Law and Order any sort of Zombie show (and many others) are deliberately meant to increase our fear of others and send our anxiety sky high. With TV you can start by picking more factual, educational documentary styled programs. Most comedy is good. PBS, Animal Planet, Discovery and History Channel.
Most of all, take a moment to ask yourself if you feel better after watching a program. If you do that, then you will learn to avoid the most damaging shows that might be aggravating your symptoms. Reading, browsing the Internet and social networking might help when nothing good is on TV too.
Meta,
I love you so much, like a sister. We will get through this together.