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I Don’t Understand.

by Flybane

Hello there,

I’m not really sure how this is done so I suppose I’ll just go ahead and start off. (I apologize if it’s hard to follow.)

Uhm, well, I was actually raised relatively well, all things considered. Both parents were present, working, and in healthy condition. I was also the only child within the household.

Life was pretty privileged, normal, but rather quiet, as everyone mainly kept to themselves in the household. There weren’t any major conflicts or fights, and alot of my time, along with my father, was spent on the Computer, whether it ranged from activities such as educational programs or games or whatever I used to do as a little kid. However, my dad had always been an introvert, and he always had kept to himself, having very few friends, but nonetheless, close. Along with being introverted, my father suffered from anxiety and depression, tried to take medication for it, but he said it didn’t really do much for him. In fact, depression was actually hereditary within his side of the family, spanning from his mother, down to his sister, into him, and later on, into me. But I digress.

So, recently, on January 5th, 2012, my father committed suicide. I believe he shot himself with a .22, for those of you who were curious. Now, this whole incident started with my parents discussing about getting a divorce around Christmas Eve, my dad moving out of the House shortly afterwards into an apartment, and then committing suicide in his apartment on the 5th. Incidentally, my birthday was about two weeks later; Oh and I’m sixteen years old. I have no doubt that this may come as a surprise to some, or it may be normal around this sort of site, I honestly have no idea. But anyway, now that I have provided some background into my dilemma, I’ll just get to my point of writing this in the first place.

I… well… I hate myself. To put it bluntly. I absolutely, completely despise myself. I’m not exactly sure how to word it… Well, according to people who I consider “Friends”, although they’re more like acquaintances, I’m actually pretty funny, relatively smart, and a genuinely good person. However, I honestly see myself as terrible. Why? Well, I feel as though I am selfish because I desire attention to the point where It urks me and makes me groan in frustration. There are so many selfish things I desire to do, so desperately, while at the same time, I hate spending time with some of my closer friends, although I would rather try to get the attention of those who don’t matter… popular people, primarily on the internet.

This leads into another thing, just like my dad, I spend alot of the time on my computer… whether it be Skype or whatever. I also like to Roleplay. Gah. I’m getting so off topic…

Anyhow… my point is… if anyone is still reading this… I just… I feel as though my mind is falling apart. Throughout my life I’ve always wanted to be recognized, to be acknowledged and known for my good deeds. I’ve tried to desperately to maintain myself, and to try and live a life of good… but the longer I keep up this… this… by now, almost an act, I start desiring more and more evil, becoming more selfish, becoming an angrier person overall… I just… I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what to do. Everyday now, I want to scream… I want someone to hold… someone to love… and… at the end of the day… if I can’t have these things… I’d much rather die.

I feel so cold, so abandoned, so misunderstood, that there’s no one there, no one here, and nearly everyone in my life has someone, whether it be a close friend or someone to love. Hell, my mom already has a damn boyfriend… Every day I feel more and more like I want to cry, like no one cares, and no one even can care, because no one can understand the predicament I’m in. Along with that, everyone that I’ve ever been with has either lied to me, left me, and cheated on me…

I simply don’t understand how people can simply compliment me, tell me I’m a good person, tell me I’m funny, smart, cute or whatever… yet, whenever it comes to relationships and things, I’m always the second priority, there’s always someone better than me, and all of my good traits are never enough to make anyone happy… let alone myself…

Also… I think really… really… logically. I’m an analytic. I suck at dealing with emotions and dealing with people, and common human touching, such as hugging and things of that nature. Hell, I haven’t even had a first kiss yet. I get chronic headaches, over think things, and always feel as though no one can understand me… I just… It gets so frustrating, and overwhelming… I need someone to talk to.

This is why I hurt.

This is why I hate living.

This is why I want to die.

Now, please, can someone help me? Does anyone understand what it’s like… in my position…? To be privileged, to have everything and more than the next person could ever desire, yet still desire more and hate himself? Please… help me or forever hold your peace.

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5 comments

Nicole 4/16/2013 - 12:03 am

If you need someone to talk to you can email me at nicolettebarba@yahoo.com or kik me at stop_bullying712.

SuicidalTendencies 4/16/2013 - 12:34 am

You can email me at a.g.holt@sbcglobal.net

kookooky 4/16/2013 - 12:36 am

I feel like that quite often, too. I’m really sorry about your dad.

Improperemphasis 4/16/2013 - 1:01 am

You need a hobby, kid. And I say that with the utmost respect. I could transplant most of your story into my own when I was 16. If I could go back in time and meet my 16 year old self, I’d beat the shit out of me.

You know what killed me? Squandering my talent. Ignoring what I was capable of. You don’t just magically become better. You need to understand your OWN ability and do NOT try to compare yourself to others. You can not compare apples and oranges, don’t even try. Only once you realize that you are indeed worth something will you ever be able fathom respect for yourself.

Your mind undoubtedly runs in circles, nipping at its own heels, because you aren’t letting it frolick and grow in the wonderful land of “doing shit you’re good at”.

But wait. Someone might do whatever-the-fuck it is better than you! Who gives a shit? No one on earth is ever going to outrun usain bolt, but guess what? No one quit running.

Bottom line is, pursue a hobby of some kind. Don’t waste your talent. Happiness becomes second nature when you realize who you are.

TisxIxKasa 4/16/2013 - 7:18 pm

I almost entirely understand the situation you’re in. I have 5 siblings which all abandoned me last year. My parents are divorced, and every boyfriend I get ends up leaving me for someone better. I’ve become distant with friends, and they know close to nothing about me. They’re supposed to be my “best” friends but Idunno. A lot of people dislike me, and openly express it towards me.
I’m a straight A student, I find myself to be decent looking at times, and I don’t stand out too much. I’m sort of those people no one notices, but at the same time my name is running through a surplus of people’s mouths.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there really isn’t any way anyone can help me. I guess only I can help myself. But I’m not quite sure how, and that’s the biggest problem I’ve got, other than my terrible habit of procrastinating.

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