Every night I have to convince myself not to do something drastic.
I have to look at myself in the mirror, and I have to lecture myself for so long just to tell myself not to cut, not to think terrible thoughts, not to attempt suicide, not to cry, not to do anything that harms myself.
I think I’m losing myself.
I’m not feeling as how I used to.
I can’t stay happy. I fake a smile when I’m in school.
But I don’t talk. People talk to me, and I nod as a sign that I’m listening. I’m done with talking.
I don’t know if I’m cutting myself for attention. If I’m acting like this for attention. I’ve never been one to crave drama or attention. I have an extremely drama-free life.
It’s just really depressing, I guess. Sadistic, I should say. That no one ever asks me if I’m okay anymore. No one ever shows concern for me.
I guess it’s a sign, expressing that I’m mature and they suppose I’m responsible for myself. But I’m not. I can’t take care of myself at all.
I don’t know what’s with me. I give myself a surplus of reasons why not to feel sad. I give myself a thousand valid excuses explaining why Â should be happy. Why I should smile.
I have the latest clothes, I don’t have drama, I have a nice house, I have good grades, etc.
But it’s not enough. They aren’t good enough to convince me. I don’t know why.
I just feel as if everything would be better– for everyone– if I just wiped my own existence out of this. Can anyone relate?
Idunno. I’m being pushed. Pushed to do these things, by both myself, friends and family, and piers.
So many things cause me to use a blade as my remedy. So many things cause me to try to overdose on medicine. So many things cause me to consider making a suicide attempt at the end of the week.
And no one has noticed this.
I’ve tried my hardest to give them signs.
Small signs in which say “Please, worry about me. Ask me if I’m okay.”
That way they don’t think I’m looking for attention. That way they can think “Maybe she’s looking for help. Maybe I’m the one who should help her.”
But they never do.