The tittle is strange but it is what im going through. It might be completely retarded but I have to throw this out there and hear from some other people. This site seems like a good place to do that.
Needless to say that im here because I been having some issues involving the idea of suicide, and im going to just say everything thats been bothering me and why. Im going to start off by listing some medical/Social that might be a cause. Also, I am 19 and male and white.
Medical/social suspicions:
– My mother is manic Bi-polar who attempted suicide and I have a brother who attempted suicide.
-I have always been awkward. I have been diagnosed with a mild asperger syndrome, ADHD, and i used to have partial seziours(Stare into space randomly without remembering doing so)
-Ive been smoking weed mutable times everyday most days. (Note that the first time I felt like this I was not a heavy user if I used it at all then)
-I have trouble socializing, Possibly because of the asperger syndrome. I have no friends besides one stoner buddy that might just like me for my weed. Im not sure. I have people Online I talk to a lot.
-I have never been in a sexual relationship with another person
I realize Ive set this up in a backwards way, But now I will tell whoever is reading about when I think my trouble started
The first time i felt this way was after I got written up at work like a dumb ass for being lazy and putting something on a shelf it did not belong. Now this was a shock to me at the time for some reason. It was like I knew I was becoming a worthless person and this is the sign.
The boss at the time is not viewed nicely by anyone still there. She got transferred, which was a god send to me since I could tell she hated my guts at that point. Maybe it was deserved.
These feelings of inadequacy have been on and off. Though the newer boss (Who has been there for about 4-6 months ) does not seem to hate me. When I feel low I end up thinking myself into bouts of anxiety and depression, unable to really stop thinking about it.
Though I have to admit that I might be slightly hooked on weed, I dont think it is the root of my issues.
Recently ive been super anxious about school. One per-requisite English class. Im a procrastinator, but it has not been a factor in my grade. I might have fucked something up with a weird online that I think the teacher can not fix that would cost me a signifigaint amount of points. Im not sure If I can pass. I have a B but the teacher is not good on getting things graded, So im not even sure of my grade with less then 2 weeks left in the semester.
The anxiety from this is truly bothering me. It has me playing around with suicidal ideas in my head. Months back when I was first having these sort of thoughts I bought a rope to hang myself with, Not even sure if I could bring myself to truly try.
I bought (And got one now “incase”) a box of straight Razors to bleed myself out with. I have never been a cutter, I just think bleeding out would be the best way, because you can anticipate the pain your cuts make, then you pass out in a tub of water. I thought of other ways of aiding myself passing out, But i wont be that specific.I dont want to break the rules, I just felt the need to elaborate to improve the effectiveness of this thing Im writing.
At one point ive even thought to myself that I cant function in the adult/real world and my life will surely end in suicide someday.
These are things ive thought in the past…but(This is where it gets weird)Â im not sure if im subconsciously wanting an excuse for my fuck ups in life. That I might be subconsciously thinking that my problems wont be any of my own really if I am sick in the head.
The idea that I might subconsciously want such a thing as a mental illness makes me sick. Right now my feelings of anxiety and depression are not high, But I dont know how I’ll feel later. Sometimes I ponder fundamental things about life. Like is it worth it anyway, why not do it. but when I have these thoughts i get the same fear that im trying to fool myself into thinking that I am mentally ill in some way as a justification…
I just want to know what other people have to say about this, I did my best here to express how im feeling. Ill be responding in the morning to anyone who Posts. Hopefully someone who has been here in some way will give some advice or something.
I need to get some sleep now I think. Ill be active in the morning.
6 comments
Not farfetched to believe people want to dodge blame or guilt.
I don’t have any advice, but I can very much relate to that desire to have a label for what’s wrong with you. Like that somehow takes it out of your hands, that it’s not all your fault. Well, hey — that actually could be true for you and everyone else here, regardless of their official diagnoses… everyone’s been shaped by their experiences to some extent. “Normal” people don’t think about hurting themselves and killing themselves. So, yes, there is something wrong with you, whether it’s definable or not. With most of us on this site. If that’s of some comfort to you, good 🙂
Its not that I want to be, Its me questioning if these feelings are a result of me being an asshole or part of a mental disorder. Could you imagine waking up in the hospital, putting my family through that, Then NOT be sick in the head? Not that I could afford a doctor or medication living in the good ol’ usa.
Am I just being a ***** or am I sick and just working my way up to actually doing it? If Im not sick I certainly wouldent attempt…But suicidal thoughts and anxiety/depression are a sign of being sick. Then again I have a tendancy to fuck up everything I touch.
Honestly, I analyze myself as much as possible. When I feel like that I think Suicide will be an escape from myself, In a way. I dont hear voices, But you might get what I mean.
I find it very hard to concentrate on things, Even important things like school…
I have a history of ADHD and shit like that, but I can pass for normal untill people actually get to know me.
I know my family loves me but I think sometimes that killing myself would, in the long run, be a better choice for me and the people around me.
Then I think about them finding my body, and what that would actually do, and I come back to questioning what might ACTUALLY be wrong with me.
My family seems to have a thing with mental disorders, as stated before, Mother has Bi-polar and im fairly sure my brother might have depression (Since he attempted once and is more screwed than me admittedly) So that adds to my suspicion that I could have a mental disorder.
Something i would like to know as well is: At what point do I talk to someone and how much do I tell? I dont want to make them think im insane or get sent to a mental ward for a couple days…
If you have it or not, don’t let these mistakes get in your way much. Maybe it’s you who should be there for your mom and bro. Realizing mistakes is a challenge for improvement 🙂 maybe you do so it’s kinda fair for you three so they don’t feel cheated? Haha just kidding, but it doesn’t really matter if you do. Just be there for them. They’ll do the same to you as well 🙂
People around you who feel irritated isn’t that much of a problem. It just means that they’re not as open minded to accept things as they are, or have a low temper-it’s not entirely your fault.
We don’t always want to disappoint people, but taking your life would disappoint them, make them feel useless and other stuff. We don’t want that.
We just have to be a hero sometimes. 🙂
Depends on who that someone is. From work? Try small talk first for a few days then it eventually gets longer, then you can tell a lot. It takes time. But not too long. Just find the right timing or topic to relate what you want to tell.