It never really ends…

After typing up a ridiculously long post yesterday, I felt better. I actually did, the writing seemed to flow out from my very soul and the pain diminished. However, that only lasted for a few hours.

And then the urges came again, you know the ones. The one that tells you to end it, not for yourself but for those around you. You are not worthy of their love, all you’re doing is dragging them down with you. They don’t deserve this. The last one, I’ll admit. They do not deserve this. And that’s why they don’t know the full extent of my depressive state.

Instead of just wanting to end my life and clock out for good any old way, I’ve been looking for ways to do it in such a way as it would look like a natural death. Surely that would cause people less pain, right? Less questions of how they could have stopped me. A heart attack would do it, I’m not quite old enough for one, but freak instances have happened.

So I know that Foxgloves are poisonous. Knew this since childhood, . So, if I ingested two or three leaves of this plant from the upper stem then that might work. Key word being might, I don’t particularly want to be damaged for life because I couldn’t finish things right. The problem is that this method is that the human body doesn’t want to die, and so regurgitates the leaves.  Not only that, but it’s a slow death, taking up to a day so I hear. Plenty of time to say farewell in my own way, that is if I don’t chicken out and blurt my whole plan before it’s too late.

Again, I feel a little better for getting this out of my system. The only shame is that the weight will return to demolish me again.  Talking to people doesn’t seem to help, I need no one validating my existence. Personally I feel like I’ve lived enough, felt too much of life and death to be scared of the end. It appears to be a release from suffering, but also called a long term solution to a temporary problem. Only problem I see with that thinking is that happiness is temporary. It comes and goes like a tidal wave on a beach. Hell, I’ve only stayed so long to take care of others, make sure they’re happy.

I can laugh. I can smile. But it’s momentarily. Three Days Grace just popped into my head, ” This world is full of hurt, when happiness doesn’t work.”  How often do you all feel numb? I don’t cut, so I don’t know what that’s like. But I’m wondering now if I would feel it. Will the pain register? I don’t know. I haven’t eaten in days and I feel no urge to do so. Surely I should be feeling the cramps of hunger.

I do apologise to those who actually read this. I make little sense and have no construct to my writing with my rants, but this is merely what’s popping in my head at this time.