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Lonely and alone

by Jhardy

I am new here. I attempted suicide about 3 weeks ago, twice in less than 24 hours. The first time I was found by my siblings who got into my house and the second time, I was found by the police. I ended up in the hospital unconscious for two days and spent a further day in a ward with old people, who were bed ridden. I was under constant observation, not even able to go to the toilet unattended. As a psychology student, it was one of the most degrading and humiliating experiences of my life. I felt so ashamed facing my family after that and everyone was so shocked because they thought I was so together and strong. I myself could not understand my actions and was unable to give anyone answers. Slowly over the last 3 weeks I have realised that my partner of 6 years and father of my child, was a narcissist who reveled in my pain and anguish. He had been telling me I was mentally unstable for years, to the point where it became true. I realised that he has been the worst thing that ever happened to me and even though our relationship ended almost 3 months ago and he moved on to a new partner within a week, he is still trying to make my life hell. He heard about my hospitalisation and his family, friends and girlfriend have been posting about it online and making fun of me ‘having voices in my head’. It really hurts to know someone I once loved would not only share this information with others, but post about it in public forums and make fun of me. I am the mother of his child after all, who I have raised basically on my own since he was born. I am reeling from the way people have turned on me almost over night and I am so confused as to what I have done to deserve this. I was mentally stable and well, a high achiever you could say once. Now I am broken, joyless and unable to find any relief from the pain that my life gives me.

Every where I look, there are constant reminders of what has been taken from me and it is like a knife to the heart every time. I wish for death, but I am so afraid to try and fail yet again. I do not want to end up on a psychiatric ward, or back in the hospital and face a life without my son. I am struggling not to believe the things my ex partner is saying about me, but it is so hard. If I am not evil, if I am not poisonous and if I am not agressive, why am I alone and he is not? Why am I hurting and broken, when he is not? Why do I want to die and he seems so happy and in love with his new girlfriend?

He has done many things that are terrible. He has threatened to kill a friend of mine by stabbing them in the neck 4 months ago. He used to beat my dog, who now suffers anxiety. He shouted in our sons face at 4 days of age to “shut the f#ck up”. He raged against me when I did anything he disliked. He was never there for his son, or put him first. He withheld access to any money while we were living together, so I was completely dependant on him. When I left he refused to provide any financial support for 4 months until I forced him through the child support agency. And yet, I still believe somehow I deserved all of this because I am inherently bad. I feel like the people who say I am good and love me, do not know the real me.

I keep wishing for a way out. I do not know what to do.

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7 comments

whyohwhysky 4/23/2013 - 12:06 am

Was just put in a psych ward for attempting suicide. I’m a psychology student as well and I consider myself intelligent. Every word I said was met with invalidation and passive aggressive hints at my insanity. I asked the nurse whether he felt that forcibly institutionalizing suicidal people, or even the mentally ill, is a healthy solution. He callously retorted that I was trying to be smart and that that’s not the way the world works. I was stripped of my rights, my clothing and my dignity. When the head psychologist arrived he quickly asked me if I still felt suicidal and promptly ordered my discharge. Problem solved.

eyeoftruth 4/23/2013 - 2:58 am

Jhardy, i have an idea of what your going thru for I have had similar experiences. I will say this: you have a child, who is totally dependant on you. If you decide to leave, he will inherit all your pain and anguish. Do you really want that? You have to put him first, and focus on him. As time goes by, your wounds will heal and you will begin to feel better about yourself. There are ugly hateful people in this world and it sounds like you were a victim of one. Dont let your son be a victim of him as well. I hope the best for you….

Jhardy 4/23/2013 - 3:14 am

Thank you eyeoftruth. I know that is very true and that fact brings me a lot of guilt. I know if I died, my son would fall into the hands of the very people I have been trying to protect us from. It has just got to the point where I feel I cannot take it anymore and I do not understand why they will not leave me alone. I hope I find the strength to get through it for my sons sake. He deserves the absolute world.

Jhardy 4/23/2013 - 3:19 am

There is still so much stigma and judgement attached to people with mental illness or those who attempt suicide. Some staff were very understanding while I was in hospital and others were awful. One such person was one of the CPO’s who was supervising me. She sat next to my bed and proceeded to lecture me for almost 7 hours about how what I had done was utterly selfish and how I was going to lose my son. She said things like “imagine your poor mother identifying your body” and “all it will take is one comment from your ex and DHS will get their claws into your son and you will never have him in your care again”. She brought me tears several times and even when I asked her to stop, she would not. I have to say I have always been an excellent mother, no matter what I have gone through and this is the only time I have failed my son, so what she was saying hurt me to the core. I hope one day people will have the same sympathy and respect for psychological hurt as they do for physical hurt

eyeoftruth 4/23/2013 - 3:36 am

I think about ending it every day, especially when i get slammed with negativity from my children’s mothers……and if it werent for my kids, I would do it in a second, they are my only reason for living. So I draw strength from them and maybe you can too. What I do is look deep into their eyes and try to see myself through their eyes. I try to imagine what they think when they see me and how they feel about our interactions. When I “lose myself” in their eyes, I suddenly feel so strong and capable of anything…..because thats how they see me.
If you have ever seen the movie “The Crow”…….there is a line that has stuck in my head for 20 years now “Mother is the name for God on the lips of small children”
I really hope this helps…..

eyeoftruth 4/23/2013 - 3:37 am

Oh….and in case you havent heard, vitamin D is extremely important in mental and physical health, google it and u will understand.

Jhardy 4/23/2013 - 6:29 am

Thank you again eyesoftruth. Your words are very true. I know my son needs me and I know the statistics on children who have a parent who suicides. I would hate that outcome for my son. I think once your mind has seen that there is a way out through death, it takes a lot discipline to fight the urge to try it again.

I have been sitting in the sun whenever it comes out (we are just going into winter here in Australia) and it definitely helps. I am taking antidepressants and have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks. I am in the process of mediation with my ex partner over the custody of our son. He has mistreated my son several times and I want some kind of protective rules in place before I let my son go into his care. However, the very fact I have tried to keep my son from his father has made me feel all kinds of guilt and has made my ex unleash a torrent of abuse on me, including telling me how much better his new girlfriend is in every way, especially in bed. She has threatened to punch my “dumb c#nt face in”. She has also posted inappropriate photos of my son online. I really worry about what is going to happen. I have been told that I am being taken to court and I know my ex will try and prove that I am mentally unstable and an unfit mother, to try and take my son.

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