The condition of one of my rooms is absolutely, horribly disgusting. There’s spilled soda soaked into the carpets, crumbs all over the floor, dirty laundry, and probably something like 30+ bottles of empty diet soda.
I guess the reason I am posting this is that I am ready to die but too depressed to go through the preparations. I am thinking about hiring someone to clean out my car, pack up my belongings, etc. because I want to have a rational, planned out suicide and will never make an impulsive decision to do so. ButÂ unfortunately, I am too tired to go Â through with the cleaning and there is a LOT of cleaning to do. I don’t want anyone to see the dumpster I live in. I have more stories but I will wait to see what people here confess first.
The state I am in is crazy–there is a snowstorm predicted Thursday. Once the weather is nicer, I may pay someone to help me clean and pack everything so that my family and lawÂ enforcementÂ will have less work.
“Why” is not an issue here, which is why I didn’t bring it up. I’m not going to rant about life circumstances or anything here, because I really am here just to 1) perfect my preferable method 2) possibly get new ideas and 3) spend time with human life while isolating from people in real life to make this easier.
I’m too depressed to die in a timely manner..ugh. Under the condition of one thing improving, I plan to commit suicide in late June. I need to start getting the ball rolling and organizing things at work, too. Â I should also make sure I purchase my materials, go for a test run to figure out the details and purchase a backup method. I am terrified to death (unfortunately, not literally) of this backup method and don’t even know where to get it or how to use it, but I plan to donate a lot of things before I die and it would suck to fail and have none of my belongings. I want to do it right the first day.
I kind of miss the posters/commenters who are serious with their intent (purchasing and planning materials needed for a successful completion). I notice them here and there…where are you guys at?
Hey buddy. I’m currently in the process of deciding which method would be best for me. Preferably I’d like an OD of barbiturates but that’s hard to get especially considering I’m living with my parents. My next best option is the charcoal carbon monoxide method. If that fails..and it might and probably will. There was actually a failure reported on this site with the charcoal method. Not sure if it’s cause she didn’t use enough charcoal or the room was too large and not sealed off. If the charcoal method fails then I might have togrow some balls and jump off my downtown bridge. I really wish this process was easier. Fuck my life. If you have any better ideas let me know. And yes I’m aware of the exit bag. Unfortunately I’ve heard too many failures with this method to put trust in it.
Im laying in bed as I type this so it won’t be a long answer. I’ll type more tomorrow. But yeah I am actually going to try the exit bag method. I figure people who succeed can’t post about it haha. I may get the peaceful pill handbook just for extra information. I plan to do it in the car with exhaust for an extra kick with pills so i won’t rip the bag myself after I fall unconscious.
I do wish I could do it with pills though so like you I’m hopeful. I wish I had enough money to go to Mexico and pick some stuff up.
If that method doesn’t work, yeah bridge as well. I’d love to take a one day trip to California and jump off the Golden Gate bridge there…breathe in some ocean air and soak in sunlight before I die. But I am terrified of the falling part and will need to drug myself and hopefully be unconscious before I even fall.
My last last resort is a gun. I want a non-messy death and I am terrified of guns. I don’t even know how to fire one or what bullets go into what. I’m afraid of doing it wrong and being in terrible pain.
In the perfect world I’d hire someone to help ensure effective death via exit bag. Then I’d have them clean up and place me in bed so it will look like an accident/natural death. But there is no guarantee a paid person would do the job.
Wow just looked into some things in my state. There are gun classes on Saturdays. I may have to attend one of those in May. I’m glad i don’t feel crazy for being so excited. Still this is a last resort. I want nothing to do with guns. Touching one for the first time sounds scary.
I like dark humor too, especially if they’re romantic comedies too. Garden State, Lonsome Jim and House of Fools all had happy endings. I posted a picture of Al Bundy reading Final Exit in bed while Peg Bundy prattles along beside him. Thanks for a great post g_m_c 🙂
I’m not even sure if my post was dark humor, but in my mind the ridiculousness of my life is hilarious. Sad and hilarious! I’ve never seen any of those movies. Perhaps they can be on my bucket list of things to do. Watching movies seems like a manageable task. It might be better than some other things I do to pass time.
I think the exit bag definitely works. But you need to make sure the gas you get is pure. A lot of the helium now has 20% oxygen in it to prevent suicides. Also if you get caught in the act you’ll have severe brain damage and possibly unable to attempt again. That’s what scares me the most honestly. But if you research it thoroughly I bet you could pull it off.
Yeah I’d love to live near the golden gate bridge. That’d be a beautiful place to die. I’d like to get a gun but because of my previous stay in the psych ward I’m afraid I won’t be allowed to get one because of the fucking retarded background checks. Good luck.
Same, I think it could work, especially if I plan to mix it with other methods. I plan on using two tanks with a connecting tube so hopefully that will increase likelihood of success. Brain damage is very scary and I hope to get a notarized note to be taken off of life support should that be the end result.
I really do not want to use a gun, but I do see it an option as a desperate last resort. I do think I will sign up for firearm training at this university. Right now, I have no clue how to operate one. Once I learn, maybe it will be less scary. I have not been admitted to a psych ward, so I can easily purchase one claiming self-protection.
@tupacorbiggie I am so sorry you are thinking so seriously about this. I know I am being hypocritical, but I hope that you are able to take care of yourself and find happiness i life. This is a scary and lonely place to be (mindset wise). I don’t know when it shifted, but moving from simply suicidal ideation to truly planning and being ready to die, at least for me, is traumatic. I am scared but still feel strongly that this is a necessary act. I hope that you find comfort, love and peace before you act on anything.
Although I have love and sympathy for all those who are in deep pain on this site, I think truly planning on being dead with a well thought-out plan and serious intent is just a type of mindset that is so lonely that is hard to explain.
I agree. It’s lonely as fuck going through this process. No one knows how much I’m suffering. God I wish my brain wasn’t so fucked up and I had a normal life. I had such a promising future.. My life is literally hell.
I wish that with planned limited time, I could at least do something fun like enjoy TV. Something as simple as that is all I need at the moment. By how quickly I responded to your comment…shows the only thing that I am interested in these days. It’s all I want to talk and think about and I want it to turn off.
It is very lonely and you can’t exactly reach out and tell people about your death wishes.
I agree…I could have had such a good future too. I was in a PhD program but basically went bathsit crazy and never finished. I used to at least read the fucking news. My old therapist once asked with delight on her face as I walked in, “Oohhhhh, did you vote yet?!” with bright eyes on election day. NO, I did not vote because I was too tired to pay attention to the news, focus on reading anything, didn’t talk to people to discuss politics and have no social life and the thought of voting seemed like too much of an effort. Instead, I lied to her and said I voted absentee. Worthless. Too bad I don’t get paid to be on this site.
Yeah. Recently I’ve been on this site a lot. On another suicide forum I almost set up a suicide pact with somebody. It’s gotten that far. Suicide is literally the ONLY thing on my mind. My suicidal thoughts are unrelenting. I just hope I die in my sleep tonight. That’d be the best thing to ever happen to me.
What other forum do you go to? I clicked refresh all day at work and just can’t get enough. I wonder where catchthebus is…he/she seemed pretty serious as well. I feel so sad that you’re so deep in this ocean. I wish there was a way to have a socially acceptable peaceful way to go. Yes, dying in sleep would be a nice way to leave. I have been thinking about lying about a job interview and leaving work for a week to get my affairs in order. I was going to wait until I got closer to my contract date, but I it is such a struggle everyday.
At the moment I’m trying to set myself up to get some phenobarbital from the silk road marketplace. It’s one of the drugs listed in the book “Final Exit” which I’m sure you’ve probably heard of.
Yes, I’ve heard of that book. I’ll have to look that drug up. Is access easy?
Although I want to go now, there are just two things I want:
1) a clean, organized room and sustainability set up at work so that the next person can transition easily
2) people not to think this was impulsive. I had a moment of weakness at work where I almost cried and I don’t want people to think I did this as a fleeting moment thing.
I need some vacation days to clean up my car, apt space and to organize work and to get affairs in order. I think that will ease my mind until I decide if I am ready.
Pot was the last “drug” I did. That was 2 years ago. I haven’t had a drink in 14 months. When I read that heavy smokers might take longer to die via asphyxiation, I quit smoking too. I’m not angry or bitter at this world, but grateful. I’m glad for anyone that’s found a few bits of happiness. I’m 41 male and I have seen more than enough by anyone’s standards.
My limbs ache my eyes are dry my kneck and my back feel like they’re going to snap. Long ago I lost the desire to “best” the man next to me. I also think of death for myself each minute. If there is a God then I’d prefer to be closer to him or her. For me I believe that these are my last few days and I am happier.
Wow what a beautiful comment. I actually relate to this though I’m younger and not as wise. I see a lot of beauty in the world, too! i love seeing people happy. I will type more in a bit. I’m in the middle of my “addiction”. That’s the one condition I have…if I can improve, I will give a little more, but otherwise I am ready to be done.
Do you suffer from an illness?
Getting access to barbiturate drugs is a pain in the ass. You have to get them through the silk road which can take a while to learn how to use. Right now I live with my parents so it’s a delicate process keeping it under wraps what my plans are. I don’t want to end up in the psych ward again.
Hmmm curiosity is sparked. This will give me something to do at work tomorrow!!
I wish society was more accepting of suicide. It would be better to die in peace, with support from others. It would be nice to not be so scared. I wish I could tell my family that this is what I want. It would make it easier.
I know this is sick, but I wish I knew you in person so I could pay you to help me figure out this Silk Road. I’ve started looking and excitement is running through my veins. Have you used this organization before for anything else? Do you ever see ******** on it, ever? How would your parents find out? I need to get my hands on this, and need to find some and soon.
@Coitus, what is your preferred method?
I, too, see beauty in the world and am grateful for what I have. However, I cannot live with this mind. I feel a calm wash over me when I think about how these last months will finally lead me to the final exit.
I haven’t actually made a transaction on it yet but I’m planning to soon. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org. What’s your email? I’d be willing to help you figure it out. There’s a tutorial online that’s fairly easy to figure out. I didn’t see ******** on it but I did see phenobarbital which is in the same class as drugs. Good luck!
My fake email is snmack02 at gmail dot com
This looks promising but I’m trying not to be too hopeful. I would love to discuss your experience so far. I’m really afraid of police intervention though. I read some stuff on redit about packages being stopped. I have a clean record, no history of arrests, illegal drug use, etc. and though I plan to die, hope to maintain that “face” for the sake of my family. I guess it would be obvious if they did an autopsy, but still, I’d rather not be caught and risk being jailed, fined and in a psych ward which will bar me from a gun (last resort).
I’m a pretty big fucking hypocrite as well. I can’t stand that you guys are in such a place, and seemingly at peace with it. Yet, I’ve tried a couple of days ago and feel like trying and being successful next time is inevitable. I sincerely hope everyone finds what they need to be at peace..minus the dying part (heh). No one deserves this level of torture.
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. What method did you try?
Yes, I hope and wish that everyone will be able to find peace without the finality of suicide.
It’s very strange being here. Nobody at work would ever suspect. I am indeed very sorry for the shock I will cause, but I am just tired and ready.
Well, I went with liquid nicotine..heh.. After it didn’t do anything, I did more research, and it turns out that it may not be the quick, painless exit I thought it was. Guess I got lucky?
Then I went with carbon monoxide, sitting in my car. It was an impulsive thing, so naturally, I encountered problems I wasn’t expecting.
I’m kind of afraid of doing further research for fear that I’ll find a serious flaw in my method and be unable to go through with it. Being here is certainly a weird place..I find myself both relieved and disturbed.
It is very surreal how oblivious people are..I successfully convinced the cops, the doctors, and my parents that nothing is wrong. No one at work suspects anything either, despite my withdrawal and other obvious signs.
What method are you thinking of? I have my plan A that I try to research thoroughly in order to make sure it will work. I really don’t want to use my other options. I can get a shotgun, but it’s too violent for me. I need my plan A to work.
Yes, relieved and disturbed is the perfect way to put it. It is scary, but at the same time, there is so much relief to know that there is an exit door around the corner. It makes me feel less pressure to care about friends, cleaning, life, hygiene, looking for jobs, etc. because none of that will matter when I’m gone.
I’m sorry nobody at work suspects. While it’s a good thing for someone intent on dying, it also feels so lonely. I can’t take putting on such a facade. It takes so much energy. What signs have you shown?
Welp, if I go through with it again, I’ll probably stick with carbon monoxide + car.
After reading the posts here, I feel like I wasn’t too far off with my initial idea. I’m certainly a noob though.
I understand the relief that having an exit plan can bring. I was very relieved when no one suspected my attempt; it meant I could try again without suspicion.
As for the signs at work, while I’m normally known as “quiet”, I completely stopped talking to the people I usually talk to.
They kind of noticed, but don’t understand the mood change.
. I’ve also stopped taking lunch breaks since I barely have an appetite nowadays.
Do you show any signs, or are you good at putting up a facade?
I’ve lost the will.
If you’re using your exhaust pipe to produce carbon monoxide then it’s not very efficient nowadays because of catalytic converters. I’m convinced a gun is the way to go considering barbiturate drugs are very hard to attain. The only problem is actually getting the gun. It’s quite hard if you had a previous stay in the psych ward because of a suicide attempt. Why does dying have to be so difficult?
Ah, damn. Well I figured. Why do I hear so many stories of people successfully killing themselves with that method?
I’ve often thought about the gun method, and while I narrowly avoided the psych ward, it still sounds like a major pain in the ass to get one.
I knew a woman who ODed on 2 bottles of her medication. Slept it off for two days. The human body can be amazingly resilient.
@Ataraxia, I know someone who died from it. It sounds simple if done with the correct car and a good plan.
Honesty overdosing on pills just to sleep for two days sounds nice for a break. What pills did she have?
Huh..guess I wasn’t too far off. And sorry to hear that.
She overdosed on her bipolar medication and anti-psychotics. I can look up the actual names if you’re really interested.
In a drunken fit of stupidity, I finished off the liquid nicotine I had.
I got to experience some interesting side effects without the dying part
..heh. NO ONE FUCK WITH LIQUID NICOTINE.
There are better ways to go.
I think liquid nicotine was what letmesleep used before he decided to use his gun.
@tupacorbiggie I’ve thought of using the ******** suggested in the peaceful pill project as well on silk road but couldn’t find it. But heroin is available on silk road, any reason for not just acquiring some of this? Seems like a peaceful way to go.