It’s one of those nights when I feel so alone. There’s a hole in my stomach that holds a faint physical pain and a tremendous emotional one. It’s as if I died right this second I’d be okay with that and not a single person would miss me. I want to cut myself to sleep, and if I never wake up that’s all the better. I haven’t wanted to kill myself in months, but right now… I forgot how bad it felt, honestly. My minds racing and it’s focusing on all the stupid crap I’ve done, I want to cut so bad, but my dad’s in the next room and I can’t risk it. I miss something, but I don’t know what. This hole is something even music and fanfiction can’t solve. I just want too… disappear, to never have existed. I–if only for a moment–wish I’d overdosed that nigh… I don’t want to be alone right now, but there’s no one here that I want to be with. *Sigh* Oh well, perseverance is the key.
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5 comments
Desperation is the lock ;). Whatever that means
I was just about to make a thread titled “Depression > Loneliness”. I get what you’re saying, and loneliness is something I’m not sure I can tolerate that much longer. I’ve had some really intense periods of depression where I tried and failed to commit suicide, and I’ve had some really lonely periods. In all honesty, I’d rather be depressed than lonely.
Depression is bleak and all hope vanishes – the perfect conditions for ending your life. Loneliness is worse because you’re hoping for something better but nowhere near having it. You end up staying alive in that crushing, empty misery because you want what you don’t have. I feel like hope is a carrot on a stick and although you swipe at it hungrily, it evades you completely.
I understand what you mean when you say you wish you had succeeded. So do I.
Damn, I’ve been feeling lonely lately too, which doesn’t usually happen (even though it should). Maybe because of the holiday.
I always forget that someone understands. Until you hear it, it’s like you’re alone(for me at least). I agree, depression is most preferable to loneliness. At least there’s some finality in depression, or at least the illusion of it. When you’re lonely it feels as though there should be some sort of savior riding on a white horse to your rescue, but the knight in shining armor never gets there. So you just keep hoping that something great will come. For nights like this, that thing it the sweet release of death. It also evades me.
I hear you. You’re definitely not alone in the ache. I’d love for someone just to stay – that’s what I really want, someone who doesn’t go home at the end of the night.
I had my hopes up recently when I made a connection with someone, but it sputtered. I think she wasn’t in a place where she couldn’t hold down a relationship, though it could just be that I suck somehow. She kinda went from hot to cold in a single night though, so it makes me think it was her. I’d like to believe that at least. I think I target unhealthy women and then take it personally when they have meltdowns or deficiencies so severe that they can’t be with ANY man.
/shrug Not sure I want to keep waiting around for a woman who doesn’t have her head up her butt.