Yesterday in a particularly bad time I decided I was finally going to end it. At that time (when I was clearly not thinking rationally), I was determined and committed. I have been depressed for a while but when this all happened something really horrible happened and I had no way to work through it on my own. I know everyone says that and I don’t want to say the entire story, but basically a person who had sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me for several years somehow got my contact information and called me just to fuck with my mind, and it set off a chain of events I couldn’t control.
Anyway, so, I sent my closest friend a goodbye letter/suicide note message. I didn’t tell her what had happened, I just said my goodbyes and stuff. I knew she wouldn’t get it immediately, but I wanted to make sure she’d get it. I wrote paper letters, too, but I wanted to be sure I told her that I was sorry, especially for breaking the promise I had made to her that if I ever felt suicidal I would call her first. The reason(s) I didn’t call her were because I knew she was at a funeral, busy, and unlikely to answer and, because, well, I really wanted to succeed.
When I went to actually do it I decided that I wanted to die remembering good things, so I pulled out my iPad and started looking at photos of friends and stuff. And before I could do anything to myself I just started bawling (I’m a guy so I don’t cry, ever). At that point I was so exhausted (hadn’t slept or eaten in days) that crying that much eventually knocked me out, I guess, and before I knew it I was being awoken by the cops knocking on my door (my friend got the message and called).
I’m worried that she’s going to hate me for breaking the promise I made to her. I’m worried she’s going to have somehow heard that I actually didn’t do anything to myself and jump to the conclusion that I sent her that message for no reason or didn’t go back to retract it when I was okay and not let me explain and hate me for that. I’m worried she’s going to notice that the hospital didn’t put me on a 72-hour hold (honestly a bad move on their part, but I’m not surprised) and believe that I lied about everything and that’s why I got out so early and hate me for that. I’m worried that she’s going to say that being friends with me has gotten to be too much and never speak to me again. Rationally I guess there’s no indication for this and rationally I would be surprised if she ever did, but I’m just really scared because (a) she means so much to me and (b) that’s how everyone else has treated me in my life (why I’m so worried about losing the one person that doesn’t treat me that way).
I called her and sent her an email to apologize for putting her through all of this and thanking her for calling the police. She’s at work and I haven’t heard from her but I can’t help but panic. Can anyone talk me down?