straight jacket super model

love the song. should change my username. had a 3 tissue session with wendy today. discussed what i meant when saying i felt like i was blocked. that my short bursts of intense emotions are maybe cracks in the “wall”. and that is why they come and go so easily. and what is on the other side of that wall? i don’t know. and the thought of finding out is terrifying. wendy  says to embrace those emotions and try to see what is causing them. but the “blocking” comes so easily i don’t know how to stop it. i am scared of losing control. i am scared of having some sort of melt down in an inopportune time or place. terrified of  what this horrible secret may be. also discussed what the escalation of violence in my suicidal thoughts and plans means. it sounds strange but i don’t consider shooting myself a violent act. it is quick, to the point, no muss, no fuss. easy. for me you say. yes for me. not so much for anyone else. but i am beginning not to care about those folks on my “list”. on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is life is peachy and 10 is i will be dead tomorrow i am at an eight. the drumbeat is always there. especially this time of year. dave belongs to a shooting club. he conceal carries . so guns are always around. i could go get his gun right now without him even knowing. but i will do this on my time schedule. when i am damned good and ready. wendy asked how dave having guns around made me feel. i never really stopped to think about it. i guess in some ways it is like he is challenging me-go ahead try i dare you. or that he doesn’t really believe i will do it. but if plan a is not an option there is always plans b and c. i have put a lot of thought into this. in a different vein i did my research on risperdal and dbt. if i gain any weight from the risperdal it’s a deal breaker. my weight loss is the only good thing going on for me these days and i am not going to eff it up for something that is of marginal help at best. as for the dbt. wow just reading about it tired me out. first of all you can’t convince me that i have borderline personality disorder. that assessment from a 15 minute meeting in the mental health drive thru. secondly the only area purveyors are in madison. thirdly the time and energy commitment is quite excessive. individual meetings, group sessions, phone consultations, homework. tires me out just thinking about it. you can’t get me to go to a al anon meeting let alone drive to madison a couple times a week, then drive back in an emotional state. i don’t think so. nice try though. god this shit wears me out.