There’s no winning.

Well, I finally found my first relationship, at the age of 26. It really did help me to find peace. It’s actually been really nice to have the first time in my life, and I mean this entirely literally, that I didn’t think about suicide every single day. It slowly drifted back, a little, but only just barely, and only just a few time every couple of weeks or so. It hasn’t been terrible. I have realized some things, that I had already considered, but I am far too old a soul for all these senseless children. My boyfriend, and just for the sake of clarity, I am bisexual, and my current relationship is “homosexual”, but he has a severe inability to communicate effectively. This being only the most difficult of his flaws.

I don’t begrudge him his flaws. We all have them, and I have worked hard to be patient and understanding. I have always been very straight-laced and followed all the rules. He, however, is so like the youth these days, smokes week, drinks, parties, lives without any cares in the world. He is financially responsible and stable, but he has no sense of being an adult in a world of adults. He only knows how to live this “spontaneous”, time-wasting life. Don’t get me wrong, my time is not much more well spent, but I am good at keeping a schedule, whereas, he is just incapable.

So far, you see these ridiculous, small problems, but I promise, this is going somewhere. This all becomes a real shit storm, when you take into account the fact that he hasn’t come out, and doesn’t really plan to. I am trying to be patient, and let him have his time. I am concerned though, because he is 22, and has been in several relationships, the longest being a 2 year on again, off again, amounting to roughly 4 months total. I am literally his most stable, nearly longest relationship to date, but the truth is, I don’t think he wants to come out. I don’t mean as a bisexual, or that he has a boyfriend, but as being in a relationship at all. He doesn’t seem to know how to not be single. He doesn’t seem the want to be anything but single. His family and friends are not the kind of people that he should fear coming out to. He just doesn’t want to have it conflict with his life. I should have realized this, he did say that he started the dating thing because he was “bored”.

I am no fool, I know and knew all of this. The fact is, he really isn’t sure what he wants. He wants both, but thinks that he has to choose one or the other. He doesn’t know how to make me part of his life. I saw all this coming, I suppose. It is just my first relationship. Kind of pathetic that it took me until 26 to find one. There are many things ‘wrong’ with me, because I am not a ‘young’ person. I never was. The youth in this age are more stupid than any other time in history. At any other time in history, they would have learned responsibility, and empathy, and punctuality, but not this day and age.

The worst thing, I have been thinking about other people as potential mates, even the last person that I had unrequited love for. A person that, I work with, of course. It’s very self-sabotaging. I am a hopeless romantic. I know what a relationship takes. I know the commitment it takes, and I am not going to give up, because of a few rogue impulses, but I don’t think he, nor any other person my age understands true commitment. Not any person that would have me. I guess, I should mention the fact that we had alternate work schedules and he is busy for the most part on the weekend, so we hadn’t had much time together. However, he did just change his schedule to match mine, which comes into effect on Monday. Now, the real problem, he tells me I am only part of the reason for the change. So the real question is, did he care that he would have more time for me? Who knows? I don’t.

I can wait and see, but the real issue is that I am looking to settle down with someone. I don’t have a lot of time for these games. I have known what I want, and I have been prepared for a long lasting relationship for a long time, but I don’t think it exists. I don’t think that my one reason for life actually exists. He did say he wants to pursue something long term with me, but he has to wake up and smell the flowers, he has to make room for me in his life…. PERIOD.

I have a very different set of beliefs when it comes to life and our reason for being here. I am a reincarnationist, and I am pretty certain, if for no other reason than my unusual maturity, my sage-like advice, and my personality that seems unaffected by nature or nurture, that I am a very old soul. Every day, I look at the childish nature of the world, and I think more and more that I am too old, and they are all too young. I have always had a billion ideas, and my mind never rests. Even in my sleep, it races on, in the form of deep, complex dreams, of which I can have many in a single night. They seem to be more unique than those of anyone else I have compared them to, and with such vividness.

The fact is, I feel that I am one of a few that has to do something to fix all these problems in the world. Of course, I would need help, as I am but one man. However, there is no help, and I really don’t care much about the world that has treated me so poorly. I was bullied as a child, mostly emotionally, by members of all parts of my life, from school to home. But I grew, I have always been strong, I wanted to make the world a better place. One where no one suffers as I have. However, I also needed that mate. It might be foolish to find someone to make my life complete, but the reality is that I have this whole where love usually goes. They say that you should find happiness in yourself, but the fact is, you do, absolutely, need love from at least one person. Love is a NECESSITY, to human beings. No matter how many psychologists and psychiatrists tell you otherwise, the fact is, you need it. It’s like purpose, and maybe that’s what it is, but without purpose, life loses worth. It has happened to a majority of people in places like the US, where we aren’t given a sense of purpose and souls without it are so empty. I see it in the eyes of so many people, like most of my coworkers. They just do things, because they are supposed to, and because they have nothing better to do. Some of them, the married ones have that love. I think it gives us that same sense of purpose.

For me, I have always lived to have a family. Not because of some biological urge. It is just the thing that I find most fulfilling, outside of all those sexual urges, and hormonal forces. It’s all I ever wanted. Just before I met my boyfriend, I came to a point where I stopped caring. I literally stopped. Even now, I still don’t care as much as I once did. And while it has made life so much more bearable, it is also a double-edged sword. If I decide I want to die, there is so much less there to keep it from happening. There is no reason for me not to die if I can’t find a mate. I was going to do these great things. I don’t care as much. Humanity will die out, and that is as it should be. I am so angry and calloused now.

The funny thing, and possibly worse than suicide, is that I would love to be the one who brings about the end of humanity, if I cannot find my mate in a timely manner. Assuming, that my bf is not the one, which, let’s be honest, seems likely. It’s been a long time since I honestly, and truly considered suicide, and I forgot how it felt. I really, truly want to go and buy a gun. Luckily, way too late for that. It’s irrelevant anyhow, I won’t, yet. As long as I have something worth fighting for, I suppose I have no real reason to eat a bullet.

If it happens again, I can’t tell anyone like last time. It just has to be spontaneous. I will not go to a hospital. Oh well, we shall see how things go. I need to attempt to get sleep. I don’t really know what else to do, since everything just became so infinitely pointless. I have zero ambition at the moment. Goodnight.