Too many years..

I have a lot of admiration for many of you who can actually go through the act of attempting suicide.  I have wanted to since I was 7 years old and have not had the courage.  I am now 53 and still a woos.  I suppose what it boils down to is that I really don’t want to kill myself but to be put out of my misery.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have come very close a time or two and someday I may just get that courage to succeed.  I have lived with myself for many years and all I know is that no matter how good life can get to be I always end up back into the pain and anger and loneliness, shame, hate, despair…need I go on?  I have no idea how I initially became depressed when I was 7 but I have struggled every day of my life until I was around 30. Things got a little better because it had to.  I had anger, but even worse I had rage and I would go off on my kids.  That was my realization I needed some help.  For the first time in my life received medication and counseling and I got involved in the kids school.  The rage left pretty much for good but everything else was just laying dormant.  My self esteem and self worth always remained constant.  I have had good times in my life, even great times, but I have never liked myself.  I have seldom felt love or that I was beautiful.  And as I get older it just seems to grow stronger.  I am now on Lamotrigine and Cymbalta, see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and guess what… I still hate myself.   My thoughts of dying are constant now, whether I will act on them or not.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about dying, even when times are good.  All it takes is one small incident to set things off and I lose control and fall deep into an episode of depression.  That happened the other day.  I was written up at work for under performing.  Just I was written up when the whole team is under performing.  I just could not handle it.  I wanted to kill myself and I still want to kill myself.  I just have no courage.  I feel pathetic because even though the urgency has subsided some, I am determined to do something to hurt myself.  The pathetic part is that I really really want to hurt myself and land myself in the hospital (because I can’t just go there on my own) and to feel some caring from other human beings.  If I die in the process so be it.  I have gone through my life hurting with such a deep pain and void that only one who has gone through it could understand.  High school was the toughest for me.  There was nothing for teens at that time.  That angers me.  Now most programs focus on teens and suicide and that too angers me because it was not there when I needed it.  As a teen I felt there was no one who I could go to for help and maybe that is why I still harbor the suicidal tendencies today (one portion of the pie anyway).  I think it is harder for me to hurt myself now also because I have kids (even though young adults) and I know it would hurt them.  So I feel trapped inside my aged, obese, ugly body.  I have no special talents or skills.  I cannot concentrate clearly, nor can I speak smoothly.  I stutter or forget words.  Have for a long time.  I cannot come up with quick come backs sooner than 20 minutes.  I have been unable to succeed in anything I do that can potentially improve my life.  I am not happy.  I have nothing to show for in my life.  My life has just been turned upside down and everything is awkward, foreign, and scary.  I am really tired.  I am tired of my useless life.  I have stopped taking all of my various medications (blood pressure, thyroid, diabetes, depression, and some others) because why take something that will keep me alive if I don’t want to be alive.  I can already feel my blood pressure spiking…..169/113.  I don’t think it will kill me though cause  I am never that lucky.  I will pull out of this but death will always be on my mind.