I don’t know about other people but I think a lot go through that phase where we really want to talk about death. About suicide. And, like a lot of them we find that most people will flip out. I had one very close friend yell at me and try and make me feel guilty. My therapist – to cover her ass – called the police. As if they could do anything. As if I would admit to them my plans. And, when I tried to call mytherapist about it – because she was so Goddamned concerned – she wouldn’t take my call.
So, now I know. Trust no one. Talk to no one. Tell no one. I thought I had people around me who would listen, not to me say I was going to kill myself but how I thought it would be better. More peaceful. I talked about green grass and sunny days. Beautiful things. But now I understand. People don’t. They are the selfish ones for wanting those who are suffering to stay. They are the ones who will call the police just so they won’t get sued or feel guilty. They are the ones who will betray you.
So, now is the time for complete isolation. Complete silence about it. Go about your days and keep those thoughts to yourself. You can’t die with anyone. You must do it alone. And quietly.
6 comments
Right on, sister. That’s my experience as well.
Yes, sadly mine too. I completely understand your frustration with simply sharing your feelings. It mostly just leads to more pain and feelings of self worthlessness. Please dont let them get to you. I think this is just further proof of how society as a whole has become so insensitive, selfish and cold. Taboo to talk about the “S” word. yet I bet nearly everyone has those thoughts these days. Most people I know have not been “happy” for a long time and silently yearn for the same green grass and peacefulness you spoke of. I am not certain why so many find the act of suicide selfish. I believe it to be a most unselfish act. I certainly don’t see it as the easy way out with how nearly impossible it is to plan and follow through. And I would think lessening our own burdons would transfer to those who feel “responsible”. People say to reach out but I too have found that most of the mock support I receive is out of their selfish fear of reprisal and sadly usually only strenghthens my will to follow through with my thoughts. And any support most always translates to “suck it up” even if its coated in sugar. If there were an easy way out I would be sitting in that very peaceful place, on that very green grass that you speak of, this very moment. Like someone said earlier, living is not easy and there is no easy way to die. I suspect the numbers would be off the charts and many of those same people we turn to for support would be amoungst the statistics if it were not “more” difficult to commit suicide than it is to survive these days. I fear my strength to die is surpassing my strength to live far too quickly and like you, I think it’s time to keep quiet about that also.
Therapists are people orientated but with that said, tt seems to me there are only a few therapists who can truly understand how one feels. They tried to understand but without having gone through intense experiences similar to yours in their life, their understanding can only be so much.
When ppl say ‘Suicide is selfish’, they meant that one’s death will cause intense suffering in loved ones. If it happens that a person has no loved ones, it is fair to say that suicide will not be selfish. One of the things keeping me alive is the haunting vision of all the pain my death will cause my parents. If they disown me or pass away one day, it would be the day of my demise.
I’m with you on this one. My therapist turned her back on me too after she got my trust and reliance, said it’s too heavy of a case for her with me being suicidal. it hurt me so much and I’m sure I will never speak again to anyone about it. it’s pointless. and only brings more resentment and pain on top of what’s already there. from now on I’m making this my own responsibility. my life. my death. call it selfish if they want, I don’t care anymore.
Cannonafodder: I do know someone who at one time (30 years ago) was my therapist. She is a friend now and we do talk often. I have no family so, I think she has stayed in my life for that reason and because she really understands and cares deeply about me. She really ‘gets’ how painful life has been for me (no need for details, I’m not wanting sympathy). She listens to me and lets me talk the way I did to my therapist and she has never gone behind my back and called the police. And, I know for a fact that if she were to call them she would respect me enough to tell me and then stay on the phone with me.
The reason I told my therapist was because I was so upset (partly because of something she did without forethought) and because I am just so tired of fighting. Plus, my ex-therapist is just that. Ex. I felt like I was respecting my therapist by telling her and also by being honest. I did say those things about wanting to die and a better place but I also told her that I wanted to go back to sleep. (I am not a pill-taker-suicide-method person and she knows this so, it wasn’t a reason for concern. My method will be by hanging and she knows this, also.) So, she said she needed to think and would maybe call me back. I told the truth – and fell back asleep. A few minufes later, 5-0 was pounding my door down, screaming for me to open it. Two large males – no female officer – even when I requested one.
So, I’ve learned and by sharing I’m just trying to suggest that even if you are just wanting to convey that deepest, darkest pain that you don’t. That sadly, you can’t. Especially if you are working with a therapist and trying to get through those thoughts and pains. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking and how you feel’, they’ll say. ‘I can help’, they’ll say. Just not with those thoughts or that deep of pain is what you will find out.