I come here tonight to freely express my feelings and thoughts without the fear of being judged and with the hope that someone out there may understand. Okay ….let’s be honest, there’s still a shit load of fear, but I say fuck it.
I’m still having quite a rough time. My depression is weighing heavy in my head. Can barely lift it up. My isolation is at an all time high. The majority of my Â “friends” are occupied anyway. I don’t feel like I have any true friends. But I’m sure my isolation had a big part in that. I just have no drive. I’m afraid of being hurt. I don’t even have the energy to pretend I’m interested in what someone is talking about. My thoughts are just so loud I can’t hear anything in the real world. It’s such a scary feeling to know you have the desire to kill yourself…at least it is for me. Part of me wants to so bad. I can’t see how anything will get better. I’ve tried so many times I’m just burned out. Sick of trying. Sick of caring. Sick of hurting. But then, there’s the other side of me that’s scared. That wants to live. That wants to keep trying. That has hope. This side of me realizes that ending my life won’t eliminate the pain, it will just spread it to the ones I love. That’s the last thing I want. I also ask “what if things get better?” I’ll miss out on that. Miss out on the happiness I could of had. Should of had. Miss out on all the new experiences and journeys. I don’t want that. I want to experience those things. But how do I? When I’m all alone. I just feel like a total failure, and thats all I will ever be. No room for improvement. What happened to me? Why am I so sad and hopeless? It’s like this switch turned on this dark threatening cloud overhead. How can I turn it off? It’s been stuck in place for so long. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to experience joy. To let the bright sun lay its rays on my skin. Somehow, I’ll find the strength to wake up in the morning. But how much longer will this pain go on? Not sure how much more I can take. I’ll try to fake it till I make it. My brain is scrambled; burnt to a crisp. Can’t focus. My hope is a blur. Wish I had the will to live. To be happy. To love.
P.s.—I’m also feeling extremely reckless. Not a good thing for someone like me. I want to get high. Get drunk. Get something. Something other than this mess I’m in. Probably buy some booze tomorrow and get drunk alone in my room. Because I have no one to drink with. One of my friends doesn’t want to drink with me because he thinks it’s something I shouldn’t be doing….yet he can do it. Fucking pisses me off. So I’ll drink alone. Does that make it bad? Destructive? Pathetic? Oh well. I need to feel something other than this. I’m just screaming for help…and it’s right in front of me. It’s been offered….but how do I accept it? Take it…use it. I’m a lost cause. A viral complainer, behind a set of black keys.
Well, now that we’ve heard how horrible you are, can you think of something in you that is positive. In your present mood, alcohol probably won’t help, might even make you feel worse, especially if you been made to feel bad about drinking in the first place. A vicious cycle those shoulds and shouldn’ts.
I truly am sorry for the pain you’re in. You are not alone. I’ve been there. I’m better now, but I worked hard for what ‘better’ I have.
If someone is offering help and it looks like the kind of help that might actually help, please take it! If it’s religious recruitment, I understand passing. I did finally find a way to relate to life spiritually but that’s a long trip on it’s own, with many users and fakes along the way.
You will know when it’s real. How? Because it will touch something in you that knows truth. It will resonate with something deep inside.
I wish you well. And you ARE heard.