i want to tell my story, i want people to know the real me.
What I remember most from my childhood is violence, fights , tears, fear and harassment.
I remember I was afraid to go home because I did not know what was happening at home.
4 years ago I was raped by my brother, It happened many times over one year.
The only thing that stopped him was that he moved..I was young and did not realize that it was not appropriate..
I have met him many times after, but I do not understand how he can look into my eyes and pretend that nothing has happened..
A few years later my dad dies. He was my best friend but I lost him to cancer.
It was a very tough time for me afterwards, and I just felt that everything was dark and there was hope for a better life.
I could not sleep and was constantly tired, what had I done to deserve such a life?
I started to self harm, I starve myself and I tried and take my own life..
I was in the hospital twice for overdoses within a year, and I just wanted to give up..
Now I just come home from the hospital for 3 time, but this time I was so sure I was going to die. the only thing I think of is death, I feel I have nothing to live for, but life is not fair well?
what did i wrong ? why me?
5 comments
I constantly say that to myself: WHY ME 🙁
Why can’t I never ever been loved like anyone else,
Why can’t I never have a single friend. And on top of my depression there is the physical pain. I got arthritis at age 24. I SO WANT TO DIE, but I’m so afraid of hell. If there wasn’t any hell I would’ve died long time ago.
I am really sorry for you. You really didn’t deserve any of that happening to you. 🙁
The fact that you can share this story shows that there is a part of you that wants to stay alive. A part that knows that these experiences, despite horrific, have made you a more empathetic person, and have only strengthened you.
@Martin1987 i hate to break it you, but there is no hell. god doesnt exist. neither does heaven. the bible is *mostly* lies and contradictions and fairy tales. there is nothing to be afraid of. death is nothingness – it’s difficult to comprehend. it’s the state of non-existence. now you exist. then you die and you dont. it’s really quite simple. just give in to truth and you shall be free.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re going to have a long journey. Consider it a battle since you’ll always have it with you. But you’ve been beaten, abused, and you’re still alive. It is a long road ahead of you and what you do with it is up to you.
You will need to talk to someone in person, regularly, to learn the tools you will need to let go. It will take A LOT of work and EVEN MORE TIME. It may always make you angry and frustrated but it doesn’t have to define who you are. You can overcome this, I promise.
There are groups that offer therapy (group therapy) and I would suggest seeking one of these groups out. Hearing what other people who have been through something similar have experienced can be very helpful. You’re not alone, this happens more often than you might imagine. You don’t have to talk about what happened to you, but listening is healing.