40 yr old cutter

I drove my dad to the doctor today.  I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for him while he was at his appointment and for some reason I pulled out my little pocket knife and started thinking about how I read on this site that people cut themselves.  I had cut a little bit on my wrist before but only when I was alone and never enough to leave any real marks.  If I recall this was over 5 years ago.  Anyways I keep this knife pretty sharp and I started in on myself right there in the middle of the Kaiser parking lot at 4 oclock in the afternoon, I dont really know why though its possible I guess that its like I mentioned just because I read about it on this site so much.   Anyway I just made a little mark on my wrist and then a little bit bigger one up my arm a lil.  I can still see it but it will be invisible tomorrow.  I remember thinking that since I was in a hospital parking lot and the hospital is 5 stories maybe someone might see me from a window and say oh my god and then come down and talk to me and offer help or support or  something.  Then I thought thats probably why so many people do it, they just want help, for someone to notice and help.  Also though in that minute or 3 that I sat there watching myself do this I was kind of in a zone, sorta hypnotized by it. “How much do I cut?”  “How much do I want to feel it?” “How much do I want to bleed?”  So I dont know what the answers are.  I probably wont be doing it again anytime soon.  I’ve decided that its not the right time for me to commit suicide right now.  I just lost a close family member to fucking cancer, my dad’s health is failing, my mom would be devastated and then there are 2 special teens that I dont want to hurt.  So I haven’t had a date this millennium, so I haven’t had a job in 10 years and eat oatmeal and top ramen everyday, so I lay on the couch and stare at the wall for hours everyday like a mindless zombie.  Somehow that pain I had, the one suicidal people have, the one that makes you cry and curl up and hyperventilate and all that has gone away.  I’m just watching and waiting at this point.  The eternal rest shall come soon enough I guess.  I’ll just do my best like I always have tried too do until then.