I’ve been battling on and off depression and anxiety for three years, but my parents don’t understand, no matter how much I talk to them. I can never get along with them. They fight with each other frequently over different things. Just today my parents were yelling at each other over my brother, who has autism. He couldn’t understand a simple topic, which caused my mother and him to get in a fight and leave her in tears. Then my father came and yelled and her. Then they yelled at each other. Then they both left. This happens a lot, and my mother talks about how the world would be better if she committed suicide.
When my brother was in Kindergarden, he had to repeat it because he was so low-functioning, which makes him now in the same grade as me. Now he is better, but he still very autistic. When we moved to our new city a few months ago, my brother went to the same school as me. I thought I wouldn’t see him around, but I saw him every day at lunch, sitting along being teased by other kids. Every day I’d cry myself to sleep as I replayed scenes of him being taunted. Within a week, he was transferred to another school in the district by the request of me. I cringe every time people say the word ‘retard.’ They don’t understand what it means. They never will, not unless they know someone close to them with special needs.
With my brother, I couldn’t (and still can’t) bring any friends home, not that I didn’t have many. I’d make him and my mom sit upstairs or in another room while my friend/s and I would hang out quietly in another room. I’d never have fun at my house.
When people ask about my brother, I have to lie and say he is a grade above me. I also have to give him a fake name in fear that they’ll look in the yearbooks or something. I tell them he goes to a different school. But I’m tired of it. I want to break down. No one gets me. I can’t tell anyone about this because no one will understand. They’ll just make mean comments or something.
If I could, I’d put my brother in a bubble and send him to Mars so he can be away from all the bad people.
I’m slowly losing my faith in God. If He were really there, wouldn’t he have made my brother normal? Why was he born autistic?
I get so scared that if something happens to my parents, we’d be placed in an orphanage and be adopted separately. Maybe no one would want him. I also get scared that once my parents get old, I’ll have to take care of him. I’m not scared of taking care of him; I’m scared because I am so inexperienced and wouldn’t know what to do. But if I don’t take care of him, who will?
I don’t want much. I just want a friend who will be sincere and honest with me and who can understand me. I want a friend who knows what I’m going through. The ‘friends’ I hang out with at school are not very nice, and they say retarded a lot. They are smart girls, but they just don’t understand what retarded means. It is NOT a synonym for stupid, or dumb, or idiot. It means when you are mentally challenged, which goes much in depth than ‘stupid.’ \
If there’s someone out there who understands what I’m going through, please talk to me. Maybe we can help each other.
4 comments
I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I can tell you are such an beautiful person and I admire you so much. You love your brother so much and are an amazing sister. And a lot of my family has depression so if you ever want to talk about that I’m totally willing to talk.
Wow, thank you so much. You have no idea how much your comment made my day. It brought a smile to my face. But sometimes I feel like a horrible sister for taking out my anger on my brother even though it’s not his fault.
I cant pretend to understand what your going through but i do think your very very brave….It’s not his fault or your brothers….. I think that everyone who ever made fun of him is sick and they are the ones with the problem not your brother! I’ve had depression for years and my family also suffer with it if you ever want to talk then I could hopefully help you x
I have an extremely low functioning autistic younger brother and I don’t know anymore I started crying a lot when I became a teenager. These days I just don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy anymore. My parents don’t hurt us really but my brother is so autistic he has suicidal rages where he tries to crack open his head by banging it into walls. I have to help many times alone but I just get bitten scratched screamed in the face at. I don’t really complain just fantasize about dying. Some of my relatives get really scared but I don’t anymore. It feels like he is just an animal and I hate it. One time he fainted or passed out and I thought he died. My Aunt asked me how I felt when It happened. I lied and said that I didn’t think that it was serious. But inside I felt like a weight had been lifted because I thought he had died. I need to tell her the truth that it was a relief. But I thought she would think I was a heartless psychopath. I know what you are going through. And I wish I had advice but I don’t. Maybe Jesus will have mercy on us. idk