Dina

Back in 1988 I was in high school.  In my art class there was this girl that sat across from me, literally 7 feet away.  She was cute, I noticed her, we made eye contact once at least.  She was new at the school, she had only been there for a couple of weeks I guess.  I knew her name was Dina Reif.  During spring break I liked to read the local newspaper.  I like to look at the headlines, then the sports, the comics and for some reason I always read the obits.  I was sitting there on the couch and I saw a headline about a teen suicide.  I read it and it was her name.  It turns out that she had just moved to CA. from Michigan.  Her boyfriend had just been killed in a car crash and her dad was in the military and had just left to go overseas.  She had gone to the next city over (Hayward) somehow gotten up to the roof of the centennial hall and jumped 10 stories.  I remember the quote in the Daily Review.  Someone on the first flor in a meeting or something said that it sounded like a bunch of wood  crashing to the ground.  I dont know why but I always think about this.  I always think about her.  I always think how I wish I would have talked to her, said Hi, asked her to hang out.  I wish I could have befriended her and given her some hope because I think hope even if its just one little thing can make all the difference.  But unfortunately I was lost as can be in high school.  I was a molest victim at age 7 and was completely lost, just trying to fit in and not get teased by all the mean girls and boys.  I wish I hadnt had been so shy.  I remember thinking shortly after reading the story how if she could have just held on, in time things would have gotten better.  But she knew.  She ended it and her pain ended.  We humans are wired differently, some suicidal persons in a lot of pain can jump or shoot and end the pain and others like me are cowards.  I’ve held a gun to my head and even slept with one in hopes that I would do it in my sleep.  I’ve tried to fall asleep in a car in a garage, but thats no good because it gives me to much time to convince myself not too.   I doubt anyones still reading this far but thats ok.  Thats what this site is for for people like us to be able to get it out because if your like me anyways and try to tell a family member that you dont want to live they get angry and ask you if you know how many people are dying.  Of course i know stupid, I just dont know what to do so I’m telling you this.  Going to go to couch now.  Sorry, this started out to be about a girl I wish I would have talked too and ended up being me complaining as usual.  Maybe she was right maybe I do think only about myself.  Well I hate myself anyway so good night peoples.  Dont cut.  Dont end it.  This world is in bad shape.   Stick around and see what happens.  Maybe there will be a revolution and we can be a part of it.