dont read this, its boring

I’m bored so….The first time, I was 14, I was scared to death my dad had a meeting at the school and he was going to find out I was flunking out.  I went into the cabinet and poured a bunch of Aspirin into my hand and swallowed them.  I laid in bed and closed my eyes.  This was my most sincere attempt because at the time thats what I knew, I had heard on TV (lots of times) about overdosing on pills. My teenaged brain didn’t have the defense mechanisms it has today.  All that happened was I ended up sleeping for 14 hours and then running away when I woke up.  15 years later my life was again unbearable.   This time I had my own house.  By now I had learned through media that sitting in your running car in an enclosed garage would put you peacefully to sleep.  This time my objective was to kill myself so that the pain would end and certain family members would feel the pain that I felt they were inflicting on me.  Unfortunately my brain didn’t allow me to sit in the car for longer than 15 minutes or so as I continued to see images of my 4 year old nephew and newborn niece.  So I stayed alive, eventually I got on anti-depressants (for awhile) and fought through to now 10 years later where I find myself again looking up things like suicide by bbq and reading and writing on the suicide project.  But I know I cant do it.  My niece and nephew are awesome but their mom has kicked me out of “her” family.  I feel like this will pass but I dont know for sure and when.  So now I just am.  I just sit and look at the wall, the ceiling, out the window.  I get bored and check the 2 or 3 things that mean nothing on this computer.  I’m never hungry but I’m always looking in the fridge, I usually just drink some water.  I guess I’m going to go back to couch now and do the only thing I can do, close my eyes and dream of being in a better place, even though I know those thoughts will be interrupted by the real thoughts that I’m alone and even my own family hates me.