Everything I’ve done has been made meaningless…

I told my parents that I am bipolar-2 and that they must not tell anybody in the family or outside the family before I explain what that means.  People think bipolar = crazy, schizophrenic, split personality, criminal, nuts…  you get the idea.  These types of labels pretty much sink a person’s life completely.

Nobody wants to hire you.  No one that was in your social circle would be a recommendation.  No job prospects.  Not money.  No lady wants to be with a man who cannot even get a job.  Family throws you out because they think that the reason you can’t find a job is because you’re lazy — couldn’t be the crash of the world economy and outing me as a nut-ball.  Nah.

They couldn’t understand what I sent them to read.

I promised to talk with them to explain it, but they never seemed to have the time.

Then they told the family.  And now they believe everything everyone else says.  They refuse to be believe anything I say now.  Yet there is as claim of love.

Everything I’ve done has been made meaningless.

I have succeeded at many things.  I really did do some good things in life:

• A good A-B student…  made honor roll a few times, I think…  until I puberty… then I because a prick and got lots of Cs and Ds.  I was a prick.
• In college got on the Deans List a few times.  I was so-so at first, but then started getting really good grades.  Got a decent GPA out of it and learned a bunch of good stuff that I got to use.  I still use stuff I learned.
• Learned a couple of foreign languages — one is Japanese.
• Figured out how to get to Japan and I live here and talk and stuff.  My Japanese isn’t perfect, but I can really get into talking social science stuff like population and economics and stuff like that.
• In my narrow band of IT, I actually rock.  Everybody’s really good at something.  Something that lets them feel flow…  that puts you in the zone.  For me, it’s doing the design and development of complex systems, then reducing the complexity to where it feels obvious to users and developers.  I’m sort of wobbly at configuring my home network.  Horrible with printers.  Sad with displays.  Dreadful with scanners.  I gave to ask for help for those things.
• I’d made good predictions about the economy regarding the things that occurred in the about 2008-2010 span.  I had a feeling it would happen around that time, but I had a wider range…  mine was more like a 5 year span…  and my model pointed to things getting bad in America — not the entire fricken world crashing.  The crash of the planet’s economy was totally totally totally totally unexpected.
• And even that I am totally working class (I am the 99%), I weathered the collapse.

And there are more good things.

I’m not a fuck-up.  But I am responsible for my fuck-ups.

I have no illusions of grandeur.  I’m a not a bipolar-1…  I’m a bipolar-2.  I don’t get the happies.  I get normal then anxious on the up side…  and, if not medicated, suicidal on the down side.   Multiple failed attempts at suicide.

But now my success are being viewed through the eyes of bipolar and as a result, all of my successes are seen as symptoms of the disease.  As proof that I am crazy.  And thus rendering all of my successes meaningless.

I plead to my parents that all that I’ve done is not the work of a madman.

I designed my first computer language when I was something like 15 years old.
Did it in something like 4-8K or something.
Lot’s of energy that makes one unusually productive.
Proof.

Makes lots of projects.
But I have a very high success rate for the ones that I can afford to do.  The ones that I can’t afford remain either in notebooks or in the back of my mind until I can afford them.  Hey, getting to Japan was one of those plans.  Speaking Japanese, another.  Working in IT in Japan, another.  Learning Chinese — that one didn’t work out…  there is just no time.  Really.
Proof

Decided to test alternate non-electronic and non-computer based forms of communication to determine what kinds of information can be communicated with different mediums.
Oh, yeah!  That is crazy fruit-loopy PROOF!!!
But I’ve been creating computer languages since I was 15…  bought dictionaries and or lesson books for at least 6 different foreign languages since I was like 9…  the list of languages included Japanese and Arabic.  You do remember that I did study linguistics in college…  and that I was running these test as my own fun experiment at the time.  Even my friends got involved.  Tried low and high frequency bullroars  among other things.
Oh…  oh… that is like PROOF on top of PROOF!!!
Healing the sick with my eye beams of supernatural supernaturalness.
Did it… oh…  wait a sec…  No.  That’s not one of my plans.  Not one of my plans at all!
Proof!  You would likely think of something that whacky and then believe it.

You see how this is totally a losing battle.

When I mention to them that Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak (creators of Apple computer) also did a lot of shit like this…  and more….  and are like totally crazy successful.  Isn’t that proof of crazy?  Madness?  Bipolar?

They say no.

Substitute anybody in the list and they say no.

What about Winston Churchill?  I means he was only instrumental in saving Britain and helping to put down the Nazis.

They said no.

No?  No?  WTF!!!!  The guy WAS BIPOLAR!!!!!

Silence on the phone…  but they won’t believe me that my success is not meaningless.

When I say my success are not the work of a madman…  they don’t believe me.

I’m quite crushed.

I can’t go back home.  There is no home for me there.