Someone saved me last week from hanging myself. The loneliness was driving me mad. Yet, here I am again contemplating death. It is my refuge from the emptiness of life.
Now, I want to die because I simply don’t enjoy it. The one person who brought me joy and color to my world is now dead. I’ve been trying to move on and find happiness in the connections of those still alive, but I don’t enjoy spending time with people. Nor do I have the energy to try and find a new close companion.
So, I just sit in my room, waiting. Waiting for something to happen. A phonecall, a storm, a light of inspiration.
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In my darkest hours, I have discovered that I am not alone. I often wonder why my life has been so crazy and full of sorrow and pain. I have lost so much. But I am still here and I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that the suffering I go through now will pass as I have seen it happen that way. It is a humbling experience to realize that I can really screw things up thinking I am doing the right thing. I have been deceived many times and it always hurts to find that out. But if I could would I trade it all for a life of comfort and leisure. No!! Through my suffering I have come into a deeper relationship with the one that will never leave me. I am not alone. I am at peace because I gave up the controls of my ship. Now my course is set and I don’t know where but I believe it will be a far better place than where I have been. Believe.