Hello.
I’m 13, And have a crazy family. I Have a bipolar raging mother who beats me occasinally, A dad who could give less of a fuck, a brother and sister both younger who always push my buttons even if i’m already crying, and a grandma who doesn’t help.  My mom is mainly the reason im here. I’ve been suicidal since i was 9. I’ve grown up mentally as well, i stay locked in my room almost everyday wondering what  to do and how to die. I have countless scars on my arms from cutting, thinking it was the only way to escape , and now i’m at a horrible point of suicidal thoughts where i dont think i can turn back. I dont know how to though, ive thought of the usual shoot myself but i dont have a gun. I’ve thought of helium and drowning. I cry almost every night and my mother always complains to me to stop this “drama” . i hate every inch of myself, im the most insecure person ever. She’s stripped my confidence by calling me names my entire life. She hates me more then anything and when i tell the counselour and she calls my mom in, my mom pretends everythings just perfect. Nobody believes me thinking my family is the nicest. And i dont know what to do. my thoughts control me too, i stay up all night thinking of how life would be without me. I’ve lost the joy of wanting to hang out with friends and everything. I Wanna be alone but also wanna escape.
I
dont
know
anymore.
2 comments
I am so sorry for your suffering 🙁 I understand how it feels to hate your mother, I hate mine too. I didn’t start experiencing suicidal thoughts until I was 12 and I also used to cut myself.
Please try to find a reason to live on. I know it’s hard, especially with your situation, but imagine if you were to end your life right now? There’s so much in store for you in the future and so many new things to experience, but you’ll never find out about the pleasures awaiting you if you decide to kill yourself.
Of course I’m not asking you to be all “sunshine and rainbows” right now, but please reconsider your decision. Honestly, these thoughts control us all and are the reason behind all our suffering. Our mind is cruel. Try engrossing yourself in a hobby or anything to take your mind away from all this pain 🙁 If you need anyone to talk to, I’m here for you 🙂
It must be so difficult to go through this at an age where you are suppose to live life to the fullest as a child. The worst thing is your psychologist can’t pick up that your mother is not telling the truth. Keep going to your psychologist so you can cope for now and learn to not let everthing hapening in your household get to you. Train yourself to ignore the negative things your Mother says to you,when she beats you up just accept and be numb to it. What are you good at? What do you love to do? Do that when u feel hurt or when you have suicidal thoughts. Find something to look forward to,find something to keep you going,something to live for. You are so young and have a lot ahead of you. I realy hope you can get through today,tomorrow,the next week,the next year and the coming years.