Here I Go… As a child(continued)

I took care of my mom and sister while she was sick and when we werre moving around alot it was hard to keep our spirits up. And the last few months of my moms life was too hard on me. I moved in with a friend while she was in hospice at my house. She later died in the hospital that i was born in. I didnt move back home until 4months after my moms death.during that time i didnt eat, sleep, or talk. i lived on water. i ran for three hours a day, and cut myself before i went to bed. i felt that i would rather feel pain than nothing at all. and thats what i felt after her death. i was a shell. but then i cut myself accidentally one time, and i felt sure. i continued for months and my boyfriend said he understood what i was going through, his mom also died, but he didnt want me cutting. he said that if he saw cuts on me that werent previously there, i wasnt allowed in his house. and at first i hid them, then he started to suspect it, and then i wasnt allowed back until they healed. i kept clean for four months, the duration of our relationship. things happend and we broke up and i began cutting again. i would stop or a while, then start again. i dont think i will ever completely stop, but the intervals have become greater. my current boyfriend of a year and a half, is not comfortable with it, but does not turn me away because he knows it only worsens me. i dont know where to draw the line anymore, literally.