I have no idea what I’m doing in life

Hi,

My name is Corey.  I’m 29 years old and because I have no job and no money, the only choice I have right now is to live with my Grandma and Grandpa.  I’m at a point in my life where I have no idea what to do anymore.  I have no job (thus no money) and no prospect of a job.  Nowadays when I actually have the motivation to go looking for work, I never get any callbacks due to having such a poor record with jobs (I tend to quit jobs frequently and have long gaps in my employment record).  I’m constantly depressed and when I get like this I will stay in bed for days or weeks on end.  I have friends, but they aren’t exactly blowing my phone up to hang out.  I don’t have a girlfriend nor have I ever had one, which really sucks.  By most of the people I know, I’m considered weird, but I don’t see it.  In my eyes I’m normal, but I guess who’s to say whats normal?  Like I’ve previously stated, I live with my grandparents in a town that I truly hate.  I’m ready to go back home, where I’m from in the greater New Orleans area, but I have no place to live if I do that, and at the moment I cannot afford to get a place of my own.  I have attempted suicide multiple times, but I always ended up chickening out and calling for help.  One of my attempts was done offshore, while working, so now I’m blacklisted from ever working offshore again, so therefor I cannot get an offshore job to make some quick money, because no one will hire me.  I’m have debt coming out of my a** so now when the phone rings its usually a debt collector trying to track me down.  I’ve got student loans that I cannot afford to pay back along with other miscellaneous debts I managed to rack up over the years.  At this point I really have no idea what the hell I’m doing and now all it seams I do, is lay in bed all day, playing around on my computer, thinking about how sh*tty my life is.  I want to get out in the workforce and get a good job, but there again I can’t find anyone willing to hire me due to my spotty work past.  It seems that when I do manage to find a job, I will get bored with it after a short period and quit, or because of the depression I have, I will get in a funk and not get out of bed for days and that will get me fired.  I’m currently not on any medication for the depression due to the fact that I have no money and no insurance to afford seeing the doctor to get on something (which all b.s. aside, I’ve been on multiple antidepressants in the past and I have yet to find one that works.  They always tend to make me feel worse off that I already am.  They only thing I have found that truly works is marijuana and I live in a state that doesn’t allow medical marijuana).  I also have no license at the moment because I have outstanding tickets and a lien on my license for not turning in a license plate on a vehicle that I dropped the insurance on after it broke down.  I’m seriously considering saying f**k it and walking out in my backyard and shooting myself in the head.  I know this would devastate my family but I’m at a point where I just don’t care to be alive any longer.  I am suicidal but it isn’t so bad where I need to call for medical help.  I’m fully aware of what I’m doing and am still contemplating the pros and cons of offing myself.  I have been hospitalized on numerous occasions  for the depression and suicidal attempts but that has never really helped me.  They always tell me that I’m ok to be released after a week or so (I think the biggest part of that has to do with lack of insurance).  Of course I don’t want to go back into the hospital because I seriously dislike being in those places.  I do have dreams of one day owning my own business in home automation & high end home theater installs but as of now I have no way to make that happen, because I cannot get back into school until I pay the 20 + grand that I own on student loans back, because I cannot afford to pay for school right now out of my own pocket. I am computer literate and can build desktop PC’s as well as diagnose and repair PC’s & Laptops, but I have no degrees in this, everything I know is self taught so I have not been able to find a job doing this sort of work.  At this point I would take any kind of job I could get as long as I would make enough to support myself.  I am tired of sponging off of my grandparents, because I know that they really can’t afford it, because they are living off of social security.  I’m just really sick of the way my life and me as a person has turned out.  I’m tired of always feeling sh*tty about myself.