I have been clean of cutting for seven months. Seven. I am very proud of that, so freakin proud of it, but there’s just one factor. I want to cut. I have stayed silent for seven months, I have tried something new for seven months, feeling happy about the fact that I am clean, but the want is there and it will always be there. And since I am now living with my father for the rest of my teen life, I am freaking out. Over here, we can’t cut, we can’t get angry, we can’t get sad, we can’t do what we want with out the parents always monitering and asking for permission. And for six months I was cool with it, I lived by their freaking code and did it all just so I could be happy. And now? For one month, I have been going crazy. My father thinks that I have changed, pushing me down the road that asks myself “Have I really changed?” and just closing myself off, pushing others away so they don’t get hurt, but they still do! They think that I am going back to my suicidal thoughts, and when they sit me down to have me say what’s on my mind, I tell them the truth. “I want to cut”, they start freaking out like chickens with their heads cut off. They tell me that if I have these thoughts, I should share them with my therepist, and they ask me why I haven’t shared this with my therepist, and it’s all just this crazy game. They want to know what’s on my mind but THEY drive me away when I tell the truth to them. They do help me when I kind of get out of their control. I’ve been having these angry spurts lately and they all of a sudden ask “Is it because of court?” and I look at them like they’re nuts. Court doesn’t have anything to do with this, with my mood swings and with my crazy addiction, but how can I tell them anything with out having to tell my therepist first. I just want to cut in peace, I just want to be happy and have that short high moment but if I do then I’ll be “going back to my old self and ways” and apparently that’s bad. I’ve helped a lot of people on here, and it seems I should be a good person, but “cutting is bad” and I guess it “makes me a terrible person”, so I need your guys’ help. Please. I just need away to let out my stress, and if cutting is indeed the answer does that me I’m screwed?
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3 comments
u can get through this together
u can talk to as many people as u want but what u need is someone that has gone through the same thing like me but i did not tell but just think about the people that think of u and if the found that u started it after how good u done so far
so what should i do? what can i do? i tried to kill myself when i was thirteen, and i started cutting when i was ten! it’s all that i seem to know, but i want to do better. how can i make myself better?