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i want to die

by ninarose

i want to die soooo bad, i think about it all the time now. i’ve been thinking about shooting myself in the head, i’ll put the gun in my mouth to make sure i dont survive. yep, thats how i want to die, i have officially chosen my exit plan. im not sure on when im going to do it, but its probably going to be soon. hopefully before anyone suspects me of being suicidal again. right now, everyone thinks im fine, that im doing great, but on the inside, im despising every single minute of living. i have gotten used to being suicidal for so long, that now i dont even know why i want to die anymore. i feel like shit no matter what i do, im lonely, im a weird ugly piece of shit, im not worth living anymore? you know, at 21, i feel like thats a long life to live, long enough for me to say goodbye now. since im already destined to die a virgin, why waste anymore time? how about i just get this shit over with now, so i wont have to continue living in this stupid body anymore. why bother to continue anyway, im a waste of life. no one cares what i have to say or what i have to offer.

i wish i could have something really bad happened to me sometimes. i wish i could get beat up and raped or tortured or something. i wish a random bullet would just come and kill me right now, or i could get run over by a 18 wheeler truck. i wish i could be the victims of these horrible crimes instead. they dont deserve it, i want to die they don’t. i want something horrific to come and destroy me. i deserve every torture the devil can offer. i hate myself, so why not. i dont care if i get ran a train on or a man makes me his sex slave, at least a guy would be giving me the time of day, you know?

when i do kill myself, i know i wont be 100% happy, but i wont be this ugly eccentric lonely ***** anymore. at least i wont have to live in a body anymore. being human sucks, being me sucks even more. it would be so much easier if my heart could just stop right now, at least i thought it would after praying to die so many hundreds of times. im so pathetic. fuck yeah i need to get a shotgun….

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totallyagree 5/8/2013 - 8:47 pm

“when i do kill myself, i know i wont be 100% happy, but i wont be this ugly eccentric lonely ***** anymore. at least i wont have to live in a body anymore”

No person knows anything 100% for sure. Living in a body is really hard. It hurts, it’s awkward, it can be lonely. But it also has upsides. Even if you spend the rest of your life (very short life that is, life is already really short) feeling miserable, there are moments of glory for you to find.

– The breeze blowing through when it’s just you to appreciate it.
– A kitten rolling over for belly rubs
– Music
– Flowers

The list is endless. Find something that makes the time you do have left worth living. Even if you do decide to take matters into your own hands and not wait for death to come on it’s own, make the time you have fantastic. Fill it with beauty and love.

_kyle 5/8/2013 - 10:45 pm

Hey, i know EXACTLY how you feel! I’m a lot younger than you, but have had depression on/ off since 6th grade. I too want to shoot myself, just end all of this misery that we go through every day….

For me, when I’m not extremely depressed I feel nothing. I don’t care what someone would do to me (kill, torture, rape, etc) but it’d be better than this.

guy32148 5/9/2013 - 1:10 am

ide rather be alive, than nothiness

guy32148 5/9/2013 - 1:13 am

i hate life almost as much as you, its just scares me if there is a greater hell beyond.

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