If Prom Were A Movie

See- prom is coming up. Every year I go to prom with my friends and I have a great time. I don’t think this year will be fun. I’ve got a stressed head thinking about my final grades, college programming, summer job possibilities, dealing with family (cancer patients, old with broken bones, trying to live my life for me), and the person I love and whether or not we are going to get back together. If this were a movie, then I would exit prom drunk and happy with my friends and when he tried to take me back, I would either throw up on him and laugh or I would fall into his arms and kiss him and he would take me home and we would sleep. But this isn’t a movie. And no one likes a drunk person at prom. But this is the only way that I can feel good these days. Because if I don’t then I run until I can’t breathe anymore and the pain in my sides is too much. And I look over the side of the bridge that I’m standing on and wonder “Why not?”. Cuz if I land just perfectly, then even if I only get knocked unconscious by the fall, the train will run me over and I’ll really be no more. I know people care about me. But I also know that no one notices shit! I spent months, more, cutting and my mom didn’t notice. My friends noticed. And they were saddened and dissappointed. But she didn’t. I mean, if I get drunk on prom night and stumble over the side of the bridge, would it be my fault? And yes, people would greive! But who really cares? In a world where innocent people die everyday in other countries and our own. One of my friends from freshman year who got kicked out of my school, she recently committed suicide. NO ONE in my school knows about it, or if they do, they don’t care enough to tell others. She was funny and nice, a stoner and a bit depressive, but she was a wonderful person! And who the FUCK cares????? Just because I’m not really one to dissappear and just because I’m a bit more popular does NOT mean that people should care more about me than about her. If I were to die, then I would let them all feel pain. I keep telling myself that I gotta take the harder way out though. Cuz life is shit.