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I’m 12 years old with suicidal feelings… Normal?

by Iceeeee

When I was 8 year old, I thought I was living a perfect life. I had both parents living with me. I had a older brother and older sister who took good care of me. I thought everything was going alright… I now know what a lie I was living.

 

My Dad was a alcoholic. My siblings tried their hardest to hide this fact from me. It worked and I didn’t know much about my Dad. I only knew that he comes home from work at night to sleep which was a lie. He was unemployed. He came home every night to take my brothers money. He would yell a lot and my sister would sleep and cuddle me on my bed whenever this occurred trying her best to hide this fact from me.

 

Mom was always was in her room. Doors locked. I later found out she had a bunch of needles in her room. She took the drugs, and slept all day. She was unemployed as well.

 

My brother was a very shy and quiet boy. He, I know for a fact loved me and he worked two part-time jobs to pay for all expenses. He always bought me gifts and showed great affection towards me. I thought of him as my Dad when I was small because he acted like one even though he was only 18. He had his own car as well and always drove us to places and took us out.

 

My sister was my best friend. She was 16.  She always played with me. She cleaned the house a lot and protected me from knowing our real parents livelihood. She was quiet as well, and she always laughed and had a great time with my brother. Her and our brother were really close.

 

May 18, 2009. I woke up late afternoon knowing I was late for school and not sure why my siblings didn’t wake me up. My sister wasn’t sleeping on her bed so I went to the living room and that’s where my life changed forever. My brother and sister were dead on the floor. They took a knife… and took their own lives *sad* *crying*. My brother died first according to Police, then my sister after seeing my brother dead that morning.

 

I know I have to be strong but I can’t handle it anymore. I’m now 12 years old, I started my period this year and now I feel so guilty about what happened. Life has changed so much, I called the police, they came and took me away. I have been seeing psychiatrics, psychologists, paramedics, doctors. I wish my siblings were alive.

 

I found out my brother was heavily in debt and that he owed the bank, people, and friends money before he killed himself. Dad beat him up sometimes according to doctors who saw other marks on his body. My sister cried before taking her life. My sister used the same knife to kill herself.

 

I miss them so much all of a sudden. I can’t live. Why would my brother and sister not ask for help? Why take their own life? Why not tell me?

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8 comments

sleepmezz 5/18/2013 - 5:33 pm

This is so tragic I’m struggling to accept it’s real… Sorry, Iceeeee – hopefully others on here can provide you with better responses — advice and support — I’m barely able to articulate myself, right now… You seem like a very sensitive, smart girl. I’m truly sorry for the tragedy and trauma you are having to experience at such a young age… Please continue seeing your psychologist/psychiatrist and discuss how much you are struggling to cope with others with whom you can share around you… Please try to stay safe; take care…

secretgrrl 5/18/2013 - 6:01 pm

oh god. oh god i am so sorry. i know that this is not helpful at all but it’s all i can say. or think. oh god. oh god. i feel like such a selfish idiot for posting on this site. it’s obvious my problems are nothing–NOTHING–compared to yours. i know u probably don’t want sympathy or pity or whatever but i really am so so so sorry. oh god.

observer 5/18/2013 - 11:39 pm

Your story would touch anyone’s heart, as your brother and sister sound amazing. They showed you true love and hide from you things that would cause you pain. They may have done this one undo-able action, but I would remember the other times and know they would never want harm to come to you, ever.

There is so so so so much to life that you should experience, and to love, and to learn! You will begin to understand your emotions and see why the majority of people choose to continue to exist. 12, is incredibly young. I’m 27 and from London, I haven’t experienced what you have, but I am human, and I understand the impact high intensity emotions can have on a person, and I wish that you are able to overcome these emotions at this early stage of your life.

Think about what you would like to do in life and do it for them. Do it for yourself. When you are older you can really search for the meaning of life.

killswitchon 6/26/2013 - 7:25 pm

if this is for real…Jesus.

shadowclone0 6/26/2013 - 7:48 pm

my god, this is just.. I wish this was only a joke..
this is probably the saddest story/post I’ve every read..

I’m so sorry this happened to you..

this is too much for anyone, but at 12… god.. 🙁

I hope you can make it through this 🙂

xXFrejaShinePawsXx 6/26/2013 - 8:36 pm

this made me cry :,(

Angel Knight 6/26/2013 - 9:59 pm

This is so sad and I can’t believe that it has happened to you. I am 13 and have been having suicidal thoughts since I was 12. A lot of people do so don’t think you are alone in this because you are not. Find a reason to live. That’s why I am alive right now. I live for music and my niece because I don’t want her to know about suicide. When I listen to music it makes my forget about my troubles. Also when I read because I feel as if I disappear into a new world.
Find something you can do that takes your mind off of the troubles. It will really help.

LostandAloneGirl 6/27/2013 - 2:13 am

Wow, you are just amazing… I know for sure if this happened to me I would probably go into shock or take my own life just as they had. You are amazing, and strong. I know that I probably won’t help much, but if you ever need someone to talk to my email is hoku.amber@yahoo.com, if you don’t have an email than we can contact in a different way. Honestly I won’t be able to say that I “know what you are going through” but I can care and help you feel better maybe? Sorry if that seems like a burden or something similar, it’s just that I’m around the same age and maybe I couldrelate to you somehow? Either way good luck with your life and I hope that you start to feel better

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