I know someone has probably asked this before, but here is my dilemma. My family knows I’m extremely depressed and suicidal. I’ve been this way for more than 10 years. I’ve seen therapists.  I’ve taken the pills. I’ve seen the counselors and licensed professionals. I stayed in the hospital for  about a week and a half and was absolutely miserable. I did all the things and spent all the money on what I was supposed to in order to “get better”. My question now is should I leave a note?  I feel like at this point, my suicide is pretty self explanatory. Plus I don’t have anyone but family.  They will probably be sad at first, but I know they will ultimately realize this is for the best. They know how worthless and pointless my life has been.  Even reading this site has made me realize just how worthless I really am.  Maybe I should leave something behind though. Should I write a will?  I should delete my computer history and I should probably clean my room first. It’s an absolute disaster. I need to go to the liquor store for some liquid courage first too. Anyway, what are some of the last things y’all would make sure to do before you go?
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7 comments
Teach someone who still has a chance, how to fill the void of inherent meaninglessness, with their own personally valid and purposeful reason to motivate themselves to live, for whatever they deem worthy of pursuit.
That said, i’d want to go out sober… completely clear, resolute, and unashamed… but in private, and not disturbed.
The problem with the mental health care system is that no one else can tell you what the solution is; they presume to claim authority and offer so-called solutions, but they can only advise you to persevere, and offer meds to dull the pain, or perhaps even correct whatever chemical imbalance is potentially causing artificial despair. If the despair does not have an internal, chemical cause… then the source must be driven by events in reality, in which case you should try to find a way to resolve them.
Learn to swim. Learn to fish. Learn to build a fire. Build a house. Build a business. Build an empire and a fortune. Build a legacy to stand as a tribute to your disdain for the things you needlessly suffered in your life. Build a solution to the problems that took so much of your time, and misguided you into habituated squandering of lost potential.
Speak a kind phrase. Contemplate a complex thought. Imagine a world where everyone who identified a problem, could also conceptualize and implement the most effective solutions, and eliminate those problems.
If you’re sure you’re going… you might as well do as much as you can of whatever you want, while you can. And in that case, you might as well live as long as possible, doing as much as you can of all you want, since no one lives forever anyway.
Maybe give yourself a break. Maybe say “F-it” and stay in bed all day and rest between thinking.
Take your mind off yourself. The amount of “I”s in your post is unhealthy. It’s no wonder you’re depressed when you’re that obsessing about yourself.
Ever noticed how dumb people are often happy? Introspection is a curse. Sure it produces great art, but seriously, it’s a deadly drug.
Okay?
@clevername I would never have the courage to follow through with my plan sober. Plus alcohol is the only thing that helps me see things clearly. Sobriety is a curse.
Sticking around will only make things worse. I’m just a drain on everyone around me. I’ve been taking a break. I dropped out of college and I would stay in bed all day if I could…
Something told me to do this a long time ago as I was destined to be a failure and negative drain on anyone who got close to me, but I stupidly believed that continuing on would eventually make things better. Boy was I wrong. At least I’ve finally come to my senses.
Thanks for the response though.
@ muspelhem I am extremely insulted by your comment. I am ALWAYS putting everyone else before me or I wouldn’t even be in this position. If I had been focused on only myself I would have done this a looonng time ago. This is why I have to get out. I’m so tired of people always pointing the finger at me like everything is my fault when I am usually the most empathetic person to their own pathetic “issues”. I guess it’s true what they say. “no good deed goes unpunished.” Time to finally do something for myself.
The comment wasn’t aimed at your actions. It was aimed at your language. Of course you should take care of yourself, be good to yourself, love yourself, etc.
And it is admirable that you have gone such great lengths for others, kudos.
Don’t be insulted. It’s not worth it.
Take care.
🙂
@ Muspelhem Sorry. I’m just a little on edge. You were probably right and I was just reacting . I don’t even know anymore. I just talked to my mom and she’s driving more than 1,000 miles to come and get me. Maybe there is hope for me and I was just too self involved to try and find a solution to get to the right path. I’m just so tired of being disappointed and always watching those who don’t deserve it reaping all of the benefits in life and always being the ones to prosper. It makes me angry. I’m so angry now and I hate feeling like this every second of every day. It’s frustrating knowing that things will never get better.
Anyway, sorry I’m rambling. Have a great day.
Hey 🙂 Seriously, you were the one in the right.
Anyway, you seem really nice. And it’s good to hear that your mom is coming to get you. She must really love you.
There is hope for you, the future can surprise you in a good way, sometimes. And you have the power to change your life, especially if you get good allies on your side.
Listen if you ever want to talk, you can write to muspelhem@hotmail.com
Again, you seem really nice. Take care and good luck.
🙂