Lonely just so lonely

for a very very long time i have felt distanced from my family from people from life. i mean eight grade was the darkest time of my life… i faked my way out of a suicide/depression test so i could get out of therapy convinced i didnt have a problem i would never do anything its all words and words dont mean anything. but words mean alot and words can hurt a lot. for as long as i cna remember i have been pushed away by my parents. they have no love for me. i have two younger sisters who absorb all their attention and i get nothing. i work har din school i have never gotten below an 92% in any class and im taking massive amounts of AP classes. i get no recognition no love no approval. it was my birthday yesterday, and i love my birthday the one day that is supposed ot be all about me. my mom forgot to get me presents so i had a box of clothes that werent even the right size, i asked to get ice cream sandwiches for dessert and wihtin five minutes of her saying sure she had entirely forgotten and drove home almost refusing to get them. my sisters steal my gift cards if i get them, they wear my clothes stretch them out and ruin them, they steal my books, probably my most prized possessions i love reading i can leave this awful awful place. none of them have any love for me, and no respect. my father calls me a worthless piece of shit. i lost my best friend last may and have been floating ever since reaching for any kinds of emotional attachment. i dont talk to people i keep it all inside. im afraid of being judged and not being perfect. all i want is approval and the tiniest sliver of love and any kind of sign that one day this will get better. im counting down the days until i can leave for college. this is all really random i know. but all of it hurts me. all of it shurts me and makes me want to die. because i feel like nothing is going to get better. i will never be good enough i will never have anyone love me. i dont have any healthy relationships where i can talk to them without fear of being judged. i cry myself to sleep alot. most importantly i want to die. i want to be gone and have all of this over with because i dotn see a point. i will never get to be the broadway star i want to be because i have no support and no confidence in myself because of the fucked up world i live in. i know that i have some talent, but without suport and confidence i have nothing. i just want to leave. and im stuck in this house all night. i want to die. i wont get asked to prom ever, im not that girl even though i want to be. I’m sad. im really really sad. and im lonely. have you ever read the bell jar? read it its the biggest descritption of how i feel. i just want it all to be over.