Maybe I can help someone, for once…

I am drowning in my depression.

I am unable to reach out to anyone, because I have no one to reach out to. I have lost what friends I had because I was “a bummer to be around.” I did what I could do mask my feelings, but I can’t, not anymore.

I am writing this not looking for sympathy, but to simply tell my story, and maybe, for once, I can be of some worth.

I was raised with one simple phrase beaten into my head, I am worthless. Whether I am or not, does not matter when that is the only thing you feel: worthless. I was physically and verbally abused by my step-father from a very young age. My mother, refuses to believe me saying that I am only looking to start a problem, or that “he would never do that.” I can vividly remember being afraid to go home, and being beaten for doing nothing wrong. Much of my childhood I can not remember, I’m assuming it is because the memories have been repressed.

My real father, killed himself when I was very young because of his own depression, so my depression could be hereditary, or consequential, but at this point I’m not sure that is important.

I was told a story about the night my father killed himself. I was supposed to be with him that night, but because my mother was unable to meet with him that night for visitation, I wasn’t. He had plans to kill me along with him.

I have lived my entire life believing I was meant to die that night, and that I was never meant to burden those around me.

That is how I feel now, nothing more than a burden.

I can not reach out to those around me, because they either do not believe me, or can not comprehend. I would do anything for someone to understand what I’m going through.

I am married. My partner is a wonderful person, but they deserve much better than I. I feel that I have ruined their chances at having a normal and happy life by marrying me. I honestly feel my death, will set them free from me.

The funny thing about depression, is that no matter how many people are around, you always feel alone.

Every morning I struggle to get out of bed. I feel as if the life I have left, is not enough to sustain me. I’m tired, all the time. I have lost interest in everything I have once loved.

I hope you are able to find the help you need. I want for you what I could never obtain for myself, happiness. I wanted nothing more than to help others my entire life. I hoped that no one will ever have to feel what I feel, go through what I have. I have always wanted to be there for someone, maybe I finally can be. If you know someone who even jokes at the thought of suicide, do not take that lightly, they are crying for the help they need, they are just ashamed to ask for it, as am I. There are always signs, you just have to care enough to look for them.

I once saw a picture with a caption that read “People put up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down.”

This is true for depression, however, we have no control over these walls, and they will continue to build, until the weight is too much to bear, until the walls are internally filled with our sorrow and loneliness, and we drown.

I do not feel that I deserve the help I would require to rise above this. I am afraid that I will be dismissed, considered nothing more than an attention seeker, not taken seriously, or told to grow up, and get over it.

The walls are intact, and I can not climb out. I am not sure how to escape these feelings, or even just to stifle them. I am overwhelmed with loneliness, and I want to finally have relief.