nothings changed

Im trying hard to be the best person i can be but my thoughts are elsewere.Elsewere as in on suicide.I dont even have a good reason for wanting die.But i cant stop thinking about dying.i want my thoughts to quiet down.So i dont have to keep doing this.But right now i have this urge that just keeps saying do it.do it..Its not voices rather a feeling.Its night here so im especially tempted to drink the bottle of pine sol.I dont think im going too.But its very hard not to at the same time.My therapist is threatening to lock me away somewere permenately if i do this again.I can barely stand my own life right now i couldnt stand being in some strange place,living with strangers watching all the time. But i cant help wanting to kill myself all the time either.I just cant and people just dont get it.I dont want to be this way .I just am.
The more i fight against wanting to die the more miserable i am.it makes me think i can only be happy dead or self harming for the rest of my life.it looks like things have changed but they really havent.Im the same weak frightened idiot ive always been