One good reason?

One good reason to live?.. i don’t see one, i just don’t desire life anymore much like anyone who knows the feeling of constant loneliness, it is never ending no matter how hard you try. I’ve been trying to “be happy” for the past few months only because this girl who i could’ve called my best friend was telling me there are reasons to be happy.. Note i am also inlove with her… Or was atleast, i have no idea where that stands but that was the last thing i cared about. Now that its gone? I really couldn’t tell you what i plan do to with myself,  emotionaly i can feel sadness and any happiness i DO feel is pretty transparent. i’m just tired of exsiting in general, of course i love that fucking *****. and my dying would probally distrot her, but it also turns out anything i may of had with her for the past 4 years might’ve been the biggest fucking lie of my life, i’ve cried about this for a while but i don’t do that anymore, physically i don’t think i can, i just feel like a empty shell of what was once a person. Every morning is the same shit going down, waiting for someone who frankly might not even give the slightests of shits about me? I try not to fret on it, but then all the other fucked up parts of my life come back into perspective it all just seems pretty un-bareable.. And just a waste of time. Everyone has the same agenda because thats how people work, they only get to know you because maybe its the rare occasion they actually like you, or the most plausible cause is that they want something from you. Either way it doesn’t matter, i have no reason to live my life for much longer. i can see my death happen, and the “after-effects”

I’ve played it out in my head, how it would happen. Sure my parents and family would probally be sad or some shit like that, but i’ve always tried to unknowningly alienate myself from them and try to keep distant, maybe i was suppose to kill myself.  But i just don’t know what to think about any of that, Even with my dad when he calls, for some reason i try to avoid conversation and hes done nothing wrong.

Maybe i’m just guessing im very confused.. But it doesn’t matter i still feel the strong urge just to end it.. Literally, i cross the streets here in town and sometimes try crossing to early when cars get close, just muttering “Fucking hit me, bro” “DO IT!”. It”d be easier for me, i wouldn’t have to contemplate it, unless i survive it and have to be a fucking vegetable, i’d have a reason to die then. ..

I still don’t see why i should try to keep going on in this cycle of repetive bullshit, and it seems like nowa’days the only escape i have is fucking getting high or drinking myself stupid. even while being intoxicated i still think about blowing my brains out, i mean come on. it never stops with me. I just can’t be happy again, and this isn’t just about my Ex, Just something changed in me and i can feel it. I’m just starting to think its been there the whole time.. i just masked it with lies i created to myself to give me a reason to “do life” but life in itself? Oh man… Dude we are just fucking memebers of cellular evolution, thats another thing.. I see life physically with a sence of agnostic, there is no higher power i can see, and as far as i know the human race is just a fire slowly waiting to burn out, unless they can make the changes to survive, But unlike me. My flame burnt out along time ago, i’m already dead inside, and no one is going to bother throwing some metaphorical  gasoline on me.

Take it from a empty shell, There is no reason.