I have spent countless hours staring at this gun, familiarizing myself with it. I dare say I know it intimately, how much it weighs empty vs with a full cylinder how much force it takes to for the hammer to start to draw back and everything.
I often hold it to my temple, and in my mouth dry firing it. Practicing for the real thing, I have removed the front sight on it making it more comfortable in my mouth.
When I first started doing this I would jump everytime I heard the empty click, I don’t anymore. I can now pick up the gun an swiftly put it to my head in one fluid motion. It’s almost second nature to me now, like firing up a cigarette, the fear is gone.
Now the only thing left to do is waters for my set date, an do this one more time except with a bullet in the chamber. O an I have modified the bullet, I have filed down the normally rounded tip to where it’s flat I guess you could call it a homemade slug.
But sense I’ve been preparing for this I feel like I’ll be ready to go through with this without hesitation or fear
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My method’s different (helium) but I can relate. It’s surreal to practice our exits. Yet I also practice, it seems like responsible thing to do.
So I practice exhaling and trying on my hood, mostly to check things like whether my big fat head will fit and if the neck cord’s tension seems okay. But part of it is my curiosity, trying to get more familiar and as comfortable with the bizzare.
I laughed where you wrote “removed the front sight on it making it more comfortable in my mouth,” because I’ve found little things to give myself a lil more comfy too. I made soft “handcuffs” to slip both my hands into and keep ’em tied down while I asphyxiate. Pillows are kind of important too I need 2 with a duct tape groove in the middle (to hope my head stays part elevated and don’t roll sideways) but a part of this is for comfort too.
Thanks forsaken one, for sharing a part of your story.
In the times of my life when I had lost hope and thought to myself that things would never get better. I always used to say at New Years that next year will be better but after years of it not happening I didn’t think that anymore. I played with my handgun and had it in my mouth just like you. I thought about it and thought about it but then in the end I never did it of course. I still have struggle but now I have hope that it will get better and I see improvements. You gotta believe that first though even when all around you, the signs say the opposite. I like the movie Book Of Eli and have watched it many times. Eli walked alone but with a purpose for many many years and it the end his purpose came clear. I am finding my purpose and it makes a big difference to know that I have one. I still think of suicide but the thoughts pass very quickly unlike before when they would just linger. Do yourself a favor and go sell the gun for now. Remove the temptation because you are wasting time and giving energy to a thought that won’t help you at all.
@coitus – I have considered the helium method but it seems like too.many things can go wrong leaving you in a vegetable state, becoming a burden on others. I chosen my way because there’s only one factor. Me, unless I get a bullet with a bad primer and how often does that happen..like never an if it does all I have to do is simply pull the trigger again.
@mini- my mind is set on this. It is going to happen, an suicide ain’t really that bad when your body is failing you anyway. All I am doing is skipping huge medical bills and a lot of unnecessary pain an suffering.
@forsaken1- That must be surreal going through that process. I haven’t yet gotten a gun or the drugs I want for my suicide but I’m sure I’ll go through a similar process. I hope you find peace and evade suffering.
@ pacorbiggie- It is a bit surreal, there’s something frightening about holding a gun to your head and pulling the trigger regardless if it loaded or not. I used to feel a since of panic an my heart would race uncontrollably, but not anymore I can now do this very calmly an effortlessly.
I had a friend that placed a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. It blew off the back of his head! Think about others that have to clean up that kind of mess; Brain matter was everwhere! It is a messy way to go! If I were to choose suicide, it would not be with a gun.
My brother killed himself, he attached a hose to the exhaust of his old car and placed the other end into the vehicle. He literally went to sleep and never woke up. But what happened afterwards was a lot of pain for those who loved him. He had two beautiful daughters, and they still blame themselves to this very day, yet they had nothing to do with the cause of his death. I honestly believe if he only knew what he had put his daughters through, he wouldn’t have done what he did. But I do understand why he did what he did, I just wish I saw the signs before it happened. I too, feel like I let my brother down; and that I will never forgive myself for.
@N2trouble- that’s why I choice a gun, you can’t put a brain back in a skull. Unlike with pills you can get your stomach pumped and someone can find you too early with suffocation. And don’t blame yourself for what your brother did. Suicide is a very personal decision if someone has their mind made up on killing them self’s almost nothing will stop them. Stop carrying that burden of I could/should have done something.
Yes we each need to choose our own methods. Someone could find us dangling (metaphorically or literally) in our last moments. We could be brain-dead dragged to a hospital and kept on life support in a vegetative state in whatever method we try.
Mindy McCready was at her boyfriend’s side after he shot himself. “But he was trying to tell me something,†McCready said in an interview earlier this year. “He was grabbing me and trying to talk. Of course he couldn’t talk at that point, half of his brain was on the floor.†I hope that Mindy didn’t suffer like that too, may she rest in peace.
One downside of being evolutionary hard asses is that no method is perfect. It’s taken time but I remember reading about the exit bag and thinking to myself “at long last: I can do this.” Years ago I bought a shotgun but I haven’t actually had the nerve to shoot myself in the face. So I scraped along and now I found a method I think I can try.
@coitus- I wish you the best of luck and success in your method, have you set a date yet if ya don’t mind me asking.
Mine is in 15 days
The exit bag sounds good but I’ve heard of so many failures on this site. Also I’m not good at that kind of stuff to put it together and whatnot.
@Tupac- I to have concerned the helium method, it just seems to complicated an unreliable. Which is why I have chosen a gun I was an avid hunter an I know the damage a bullet can do. I’m almost 100% positive I won’t have the better portion of the back of my skull. I’m using a 375mag
No I haven’t set a date yet but i agree timing is important to me as well. I got all my gear, but I am (also) concerned about someone finding me and denying me a clean kill for myself. I don’t live alone so I’ve been biding my time, loosely making mental note of when there’s lots of noise and people seem most absent.
Many “people” have “reported” failures of the exit bag on “this site.” True, but the exit bag is (by far) the preferred method these days by people and groups serious about end of life choices. It annoys me that others try to introduce F.U.D. smear tactics toward any method, but it’s true that they really came out of the woodwork for the exit bag in particular. Hmm I wonder why(?)
They claim the exit bag failed so we ask how, then they write that they took their hood off. My reaction is: keep your hood on. So many methods, so many failures but probably we’ll keep trying for the rest of our lives. Look, none of us is actually going to “know” we’re dead (because we’ll be dead) I think that we are each trying to speed things up.
Talk about unreliable..
I made the exit bag a while ago and practiced the method. I never turned the tank on so i could be sure i didn’t leak any helium. Literally less than 30 minutes ago i decided it was time. I turned the key on the tank (which is really really tight) and nothing. You have to hold the nozzle down! The helium doesn’t flow freely. Jeez. I guess i will have to try and duct tape it down or something . Now I’m afraid it won’t work as planned. I too am afraid of brain damage which would be worse than the life i have now. I guess i will try this one out and see how it goes and if i am successful at keeping the flow up for long enough I’ll buy a new tank. Now I’m REALLY depressed. I’m even a failure at suicide.
The thing about helium is.it’s lighter than air, which is why they tell you to put the bag around your forhead and squeeze all the air out then turn the tank on, if you have proper air flow the bag will fill up with helium then exhale all the air from your lungs and slide the bag down and pull the draw strings snugly and take deep breaths. But to me this seams a lot like suffocating to death.
That was my plan. The problem was the helium doesn’t flow unless the nozzle is being pushed down. I didn’t realize that. At first i thought my tank was empty. I thought i would just turn it on and it would flow. I want to make sure if i tape it down so the flow is continuous, it lasts long enough to be effective. I’m a nurse, I’ve seen attempted suicides gone horribly wrong and the patient ends up alive, but with debilitating damage. I can’t risk that. Drooling and wearing diapers forever is just unacceptable.
Your a nurse?? Than why don’t you just still some medical grade potassium pills an take those, or morphine?
Potassium would need to be in iv form to be reliable. You have to get it from the hospital pharmacy. Also, its extremely caustic. In a high dose it would be very painful and could eat right through the vein. It’s not just laying around. Narcotics are pretty tightly controlled. It would be very risky and i would have to be sure i had the guts right away. The best option of “stealing” would be insulin. Unless a patient has a pen, you draw up from the bottle based on their blood sugar. So you use one bottle for multiple patients. I would need a lot to be sure. Although, it can take many hours to die from an induced diabetic coma.
Although, i would be lying if i said i never considered it….
I know about the insulin, I’m a diabetic myself and it’s not really painful having low blood sugar but it’s a really uncomfortable feeling kinda like feeling drunk an extremely week at the same time
You should consider getting a hold of some strong opiates or something. That’s what I’m doing and I’m hoping for the best. As long as you don’t have a tolerance to opiates you have a good chance of dying if dosed correctly. I’m using the book final exit as my source to increase my chance of succeeding.
Yeah I have a purdy high tolerance to all drugs, been abusing everything I could get my hands on sense I was 13. But. I highly doubt being high will increase my success of blowing my brains out, but thanks for the suggestion
My bad forsaken, I was referring to the user LostKitten. I think if somebody had zero experience with opiates it could work pretty well for euthanasia. Provided the dose is precise.