Relief and Contentment

So … I’m ready for this.  I’ve been reading posts on this site for many months with great interest.  Perhaps I *do* need stay alive?  Yeah … no.  Every single person seems to fall back to the Bible and Jesus thing and you know what?  That doesn’t work for me.  I gave religion a chance years ago and it did nothing but repay me with judgmental wealthy bishops, fingers pointing at me telling me I was WRONG, nodding of the heads, parents grabbing their children to “protect” them from me (’cause you know all homos are pedos!) and just so much judgment that it literally broke me down.  Even on here so many want to use little buzzy words: “build a raft” and go meet people and you’ll feel betterrrrrrr!!!!  Oh my goodness.  Quite humorous actually.

That was then and this is now.  For so long the tiresome acts of smiling wide at others and pretending “errthing good!!” … well it’s just become too exhausting.  There are so many things I’ve tried and failed at in the past so … *drum roll* … hopefully I planned this one out properly.  I even used a bit of scrum with storyboarding to ensure I didn’t miss anything.  If for some reason it does *not* work out then I’ll let y’all know.

But as for now … for the first time in some 10-15 years I am at last content.  For the first time in so long I feel relieved as if I’ve not a care in the world.  So this is how it’s supposed to feel, eh?  To be normal and not worried by life?  I just looked up into the mirror across the room and guess what: I had a slight smile on my face, something I have not done in … well I can’t remember the last time I had a genuine smile.  Am I nervous?  Am I frightened?  No not at all in fact, I’m kinda curious what it will be like to just not exist.  How wonderful and blissful.